What, you didn’t spend this beautiful Independence Day weekend holed up in your room, obsessively hitting “refresh” on your browser? You mean you actually went outside and absorbed sunlight and had a life? Real Americans don’t swim or eat hot dogs or watch fireworks, they stay indoors and catch up on celebrity gossip. Here’s what you missed.
Heidi Montag + Danielle Staub + the Douchiest Bachelor = The Apocalypse
On July 10, make plans to be anywhere but in front of your television, because that’s when the reality show Famous Food, which pits seven Z-list “celebrities” against each other to open a restaurant, premieres on VH1. None of these people have restaurant experience. One contestant’s claim to fame is that she had sex with the governor of New York. Two are 85 percent silicone. This is a low point for all of us. (via Vulture)
A Model Bride
Heroin-chic progenitor and cocaine-enthusiast Kate Moss was married in England on July 1. The big story was her gown, which was designed by John Galliano. Yeah, maybe it’s not exactly the best time to parade around in a dress custom-designed for you by a Nazi sympathizer, but Galliano and Moss have a friendship that’s legendary in the fashion industry. They’ve been confidantes for over twenty years, and his runway show was the first one Moss ever walked in, so her choice of dress wasn’t so much a statement of anti-Semitism, just a case of sticking by a dear friend. A dear friend with excellent fashion sense, that is. (via Glamour)
Mystery of Notorious B.I.G. Murder Not So Much of a Mystery After All
After fourteen years of the world not knowing who killed rapper Christopher Wallace, a man came forth to say, in effect, “Oh yeah, I know who did it and I was there.” The details read like a white Republican nightmare: gang rivalry, the Nation of Islam, Death Row Records. After more than a decade of silence, why would Clayton Hill come forward now? He’s publishing a book, of course. (via Huffington Post)
Comedy Central Makes Terrible Sheen-Related Programming Decision
Just when we thought the world was safe from Vatican assassin warlocks, Comedy Central announced that the next victim in their legendary roast series will be Charlie Sheen. Not only will a group of celebrities gather to simultaneously praise and mock the actor, but it will air on the same night as the season premiere of the Sheen-less Two and a Half Men. Apparently Sheen’s “comedy” tour (which many ticketholders walked out of) was so entertaining that network execs wanted more live Sheen. (via E! Online)
Duchess Kate Invites the World into Her Womb
While touring Canada for nine days, Kate Middleton has waved graciously, smiled profusely, worn many fantastic ensembles, and uttered four words that caused tabloid editors worldwide to simultaneously wet themselves. When a citizen wished Will and Kate luck in someday having children, Kate replied, “Yes, I hope to.” OMG COMMENCE 24/7 UTERUS BUMP WATCH! (via Radar Online)
