What We’d Give Our Fave Tabloid Train Wrecks

No matter how much she brags on Twitter about how fabulous her life is, the girl doesn’t seem to have any clothes that cover her arms or legs! In fact, Courtney’s reduced to prancing around in lingerie most of the time, the poor girl.We guess that’s how it is when you’re not old enough to get your own credit card. We’d buy her a nice, sensible cardigan, both to keep her warm and to help her save money on ab makeup. (Mossimo Supply Co Juniors Collegiate Cardigan, $15.99, Target)

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Not even eighteen and already embroiled in baby mama drama. It’s tough out there for a teen superstar. Let’s get real: Justin’s a not-terrible-looking teenage millionaire who has girls throwing themselves at him. What he needs isn’t judgment from moralizing adults or trashy tabloids—he needs some good ol’ fashioned sex education. If we were spending the holidays with the Biebers we’d slip a book on making informed, educated choices about sex, along with as many condoms as we can afford into Justin’s stocking. But when it comes to tips on avoiding potential gold diggers, he’s on his own. (book, $23.99, Amazon)

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What is there left to say about Lindsay? Since jail, rehab, and community service haven’t done anything to adjust her attitude toward life, it’s time for some tougher love. We’d spring for Lindsay to travel to Africa to work with The Fistula Foundation. This organization provides surgical services to women with obstetric fistula, a devastating childbirth injury suffered by poor women without access to adequate neonatal care. If that doesn’t give LiLo a dose of much-needed perspective and bring her back to reality, then we give up. Of course, we still have a soft spot in our hearts for Lindsay, so we’d also give her Costco pack of bronzing powder, which should last her a week or so. (FistulaFoundation.orgfistula)_

Is it just us, or if you had to shake Jesse James’s hand, would you feel a little itchy afterward? Yet there seems to be no shortage of women willing to exchange body fluids with him. So between the skank sex and the tattoos, what Jesse really needs for Christmas is a gift card to Walgreens so he can stay current on the drugs that treat herpes, hepatitis, Ebola, scabies, or whatever other bugs we imagine are crawling all over his skin. Eew.

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Kim, we are sick of you being famous for being famous. You don’t have to fade into oblivion, but from now on, we insist that you provide some type of contribution to the world, so we at DivineCaroline would like to send you to DeVry University to get some skills. Learn to style hair, learn to be a medical office assistant, learn to bake cupcakes. We don’t care, just do something.

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One of the most surprising (well, not totally surprising) things about Sheen’s early-2011 meltdown was the revelation that his movie-star smile was mostly fake. One of his goddesses told Howard Stern that most of Sheen’s teeth have fallen out from drug use, replaced by gold implants and covered by a prosthetic in public. Candid pics of Sheen confirm that he’s got a pretty busted grin. So why go with a boring dental device when you can have a grill befitting a warlock assassin with Adonis DNA and tiger blood? We’d gift Charlie a blinged-out gold-and-diamond grill that’s just as classy as he is.

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