New Year’s Resolutions Eight Celebs Should Make

Just admit you’re a stoner. It’s okay. Matthew McConaghey, Brad Pitt, James Franco, and Charlize Theron have all admitted an affinity for marijuana, and they seem to be doing fine. No more of this “salvia” nonsense. Admitting that you enjoy the ganj won’t kill our respect for you…we didn’t have any to begin with.

Stop being such a jerk. We forgave you when you punched a photographer. We understood when you called your daughter an “ungrateful little pig.” We agree that airline rules are cumbersome and annoying. But can’t you be a little less obnoxious about it? Although we love your character on 30 Rock, we’re starting to think that you personally are sort of an asshole.

Eat a brownie. Yes, it’s rude of people to suggest that you’re too thin and should put some meat on your bones, but we offer two points of rebuttal. 1. If you look that skinny in photos (which we all know add ten pounds), then seeing you in real life must be like seeing a walking skeleton with a boob job. 2. It’s equally rude of you to compulsively tweet pictures of yourself in a bikini while telling us about all the burgers and donuts you supposedly eat. We don’t buy it.

Learn to love hydrangeas. They’re quite a lovely flower! And if you’ve become so deranged by riches and fame that you’ve lost the ability to graciously accept a gift, then you’re obviously not spending enough time with orphans in Africa.

Quit it. Just quit it with whatever this is supposed to be. Put on some clothes, wash off your ab makeup, and put a Zac Efron poster on your bedroom wall like a normal teenager.
Photo credit: Twitter

Get a haircut. Because when you shill in creepy lecherous camera commercials, cheat on your wife, and also star on a television show where you play a womanizing playboy, the long hair and facial hair just make you look that much douchier. A clean-cut look will almost make us forget about all that other stuff. Almost.

Wrap it up, buddy. 2011 gave you a taste of what life as a male superstar is like, so make sure to protect yourself against sperm trappers and unstable chicks of all stripes by wearing a condom each and every time you have sex with a groupie. Or, you know, not having sex with groupies also works.

Eat, pray, love. Now that you’re the world’s most famous divorcée, it’s time for you to travel on a journey of self-discovery. Film it for a TV show, write a memoir…whatever will get you out of our sight for a few months. Who knows—maybe you’ll even come to some realizations about yourself.