Your 2012 Box Office: Hollywood Bets Big on Games

The year: 2156. The place: a dystopian New York City, where humans rely on sentient robots to do our bidding. As humans’ natural athletic ability dwindles, an evil black market economy emerges, pitting robot against robot in a fight to the oily death. But the robots have evolved … and they have plans for revenge. In this thriller, directed by Ridley Scott, futuristic robots overthrow their human masters and rampage across the city, extracting vengeance from those who kept them subservient for so long. Starring Channing Tatum and Taylor Lautner as the robots. This will not be hard for them.

Good-natured but dim-witted zoo groundskeeper Ned Smooter just wants to have a quiet day. But somebody let the hippopotamuses out of their pen! Now they’re cavorting around the zoo, chomping on the flowers! Ned has to help corral the marauding animals to preserve his landscaping because they’re giving out the zoo landscaping awards tomorrow, and if Ned doesn’t win, he might get fired! Despite being completely ridiculous and borderline retarded, this movie will be a box-office smash.

With Nazis holding his father hostage, adventurer Brock Castleman (played by Daniel Craig) must scale a remote jungle-covered mountain with his buxom female companion (played by Megan Fox) to retrieve an ancient artifact being guarded in a secret chamber at the top. Unfortunately for Brock, the artifact has guardians who are none too keen to let it go, and they send perilous hazards down the mountain to try to eliminate Brock as he quests to save his father. Will Brock claim the priceless jewel? Will he and the buxom companion start off as adversaries but eventually realize they’re totally hot for each other? Will there be a scene in a cave with giant creepy insects? Yes.

After a chance encounter with a handsome stranger on the subway, Emma, a twentysomething with a nondescript media job, enlists the help of her best friend Suze to help her find him again. But there’s a problem—she can’t remember what he looks like! Emma (played by Kate Hudson) and Suze (played by Judy Greer) embark on a journey to scour every corner of the city to jog Emma’s memory and find this mystery man. What color was his hair? Was he wearing glasses? Every step brings them closer to his identity—and romance! Hijinks ensue!

A surrealist cat-and-mouse thriller, in which no one can be trusted and things are not always what they seem. A detective with a troubled past seeks a criminal mastermind who is always one step ahead of the game as he orchestrates his final mind-blowing crime, only to realize that the criminal was him all along. Featuring lots of flashbacks, shots of animals giving birth, time travel, elaborate dream sequences, and lines such as, “Red … like the sound of my hunger,” everyone will talk about how amazing and thought-provoking the film was, but in reality nobody understood any of it.

Roommates Tifanee and Ambre are trying to install curtains and having a heckuva time. Tifanee holds up the bar with one hand while she slips on the curtain with the other, and Ambre tries to wield a hammer while standing with one foot on a ladder and one foot on the arm of the couch. Finally, they realize that despite their contortions, they just can’t do it alone, so they call a drapery repairman. When he arrives, he begins to help the girls install their curtains, but then (bow-chicka-bow-bow …) the three of them end up having sex instead.