Television defined my language at an early age. While other kids couldn’t bear to be away from mommy and daddy; I was lost without Mr. Whipple, Madge, and Mrs. Olsen’s mountain-grown Folger’s crystals. Three decades later, I still find myself speaking in ‘70s advertising-ese, inserting random bits of tired, old ad copy into my everyday language. (“I love your hair, Michelle. You’ve really come a long way, baby!”)
It’s time to get a new generation hooked on Madge, Mr. Whipple, and all those great advertising one-liners from the ‘70s. I humbly present a short list of my favorites. Use their wisdom wisely.
“Hey, Good Lookin’!”
Ronco dominated ‘70s television waves with their smorgasbord of random gadgets. As an eight-year old, the fact that I had no use for the Rhinestone and Stud Setter, The Salad Spinner, or the Glass Froster made no difference to me-I wanted them anyway. But the item I coveted most (along with the rest of America) was Ronco’s Mr. Microphone because who didn’t want to say, “Hey, good lookin’! I’ll be back to pick you up later!”
E4 ... Hit!
Even though I never played Battleship, I still try to do Milton Bradley proud every once in a while by obnoxiously interjecting, “You sank my battleship!” in company meetings, movie theatres, and at friends’ weddings. Just for fun.
You’re Soaking In It!
You’ve gotta hand it to Madge-she was crafty. She let women ramble on about their dishwashing woes for so long that they didn’t even realize their manicure was really a cleverly disguised tactic to get their hands in a super-softening, soapy bowl of Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid and warm water. Then before you knew it ... boom! You’re soaking in it!
Please Don’t Squeeze the Charmin
If Mr. Whipple were alive today, I have a feeling he’d be That Man—you know, the creepy guy on the company’s Human Resources watch list. He was just a little too interested in squeezing the Charmin.
Here’s to Good Friends, Tonight is Kinda Special
So special that we’re going to order an unchewable skirt steak and this cheap American-made beer masquerading under the German name of Lowenbrau. Sweet!
I’m a WOMAN!
“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan. And never, never, never let you forget you’re a man. ‘Cause I'm a WOMAN!” I think that about sums it up. Two snaps and a neck twitch with attitude for the forward-thinking women of Enjoli. You go, ladies.
Ancient Chinese Secret, Eh?
A Chinese man working in a dry-cleaning store: not exactly the best attempt at thinking outside the cultural stereotypes box. (You gotta love the ‘70s.) Of course, if the commercial didn’t feature the Chinese dry cleaner, I’m not sure who’d reveal the ancient Chinese secret to all those white housewives picking up their husbands’ cleaning.
Ring Around the Collar
Were people’s necks extra grimy and sweaty in the ‘70s? I never understood all the fuss about ring around the collar. Thank goodness we don’t have to live with that anymore, or with these crazy, ringed-up shirts mouthing off from a suitcase, which apparently the woman is packing for her husband (whose hands are clearly broken).
Squirting Gum?
I used to love Freshen-Up gum, but I guess my dirty mind wasn’t developed enough back then to get the same immature chuckle I got today when I heard, “The gum that squirts refreshment all over your breath.”
Mrs. Olsen and Her Magic Crystals
As a kid, I imagined Mrs. Olsen’s life was a glamorous mélange of coffee outings with suburban housewives and taste-testing Folger’s mountain-grown crystals in exotic, far-away locales. But watching the commercial now, I think she was probably just a busybody neighbor trying to scheme on the housewife’s husband. Somewhere, Mrs. Olsen is probably sitting alone in an out-of-date family room, sipping bitterly on a shot of Wild Turkey, and smoking an unfiltered Marlboro.
One thing’s for sure: they don't make ‘em like they used to. With the ever-increasing blurring of the lines between advertising and content, the opportunity to surprise us, make us laugh, and of course, convince us to buy something, is getting harder and harder. It almost makes me a little nostalgic for nosy manicurists, meddling neighbors, and even pervy toilet-paper-squeezing shopkeepers. Those were the days.
Image Source: jillslivingroom on flickr (cc)