“She is so dramatic,” Megan complained. “You would think she is the only person to ever be mismatched on Match.com.”
“She never asks how I am. She goes on and on and on. And, if I try to come up with a solution for what she is whining about … She pinches my head off.”
“And,” Megan pounded the table for emphasis, “What really pisses me off is that she has no trouble attracting men! They flock to her like bees to a flower. She goes through men like I go through mascara.”
Can you relate? Do you have a girlfriend who is a Scarlett O’Hara? I do. One of my closest friends ever is a Scarlett, and as a Snow White, I have been so frustrated with her over the years. Of course, being true blue to my Snow White tendencies, I haven’t been so successful connecting with her over the years.
I love to help people. I also get impatient when women allow themselves to be in awful circumstances and spend more time complaining than taking action to resolve the drama and trauma of the moment. If a friend continually talks about what is not working in her life (very typical of Scarlett) she is like a runaway train. If I can get a word in edgewise, she doesn’t want to hear anything about her role in the drama.
As a Snow White, I like solutions and order. I like crossing items off of to-do lists and I love building and accomplishing things. I suppose I am totally annoying to my Scarlett friends, too. Hmmm. So here I sit this morning pondering, How can a Snow White be a good friend to a Scarlett who is floundering a bit in life?
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Find the value in her complaint: If Scarlett is ranting about how her coworker shirks her responsibilities and Scarlett has to do her work and the coworker’s, without any appreciation or compensation (a typical stuck place for Scarletts), instead of trying to coach her into a better attitude (a very typical Snow White response), try this: search for the underlying Core Value to reflect back to her. This will make her feel heard, and that is sweet elixir for Scarlett. For example:
Scarlett: I am furious with June. She will not file at the end of the day, and if I don’t do it, our shared workspace is a mess in the morning. I can’t stand it.
Snow White: So people being responsible for their workspace and doing the job they are paid for is important to you.
You will be shocked how this seems to soothe the heart of a Scarlett. It takes some effort to find the core value … but it can be done. It’s so worth it if you want to connect with her.
2. Set parameters on your phone conversations: I used to be constantly available to my various and assorted Scarletts (yes, I have attracted them all of my life!). Because of my kind and sweet nature and my willing ear, I would spend hours on the phone comforting, cajoling, and cheering on my friends and family. Until … I realized that Scarletts tend to be time bandits. They can steal time in a twinkling of an eye. You know what I mean. Now I start the conversations with a time limit. Simply telling Scarlett that you have fifteen minutes to focus on her and then honoring your decision encourages her to cut to the chase. At times, I will actually tell my Scarlett friends to give me the CliffNotes version right up front.
3. Ask if she wants help or wants to vent: Be direct. I know this is a big challenge for Snow Whites. We tend to be the queens of understatement and clue giving. I kiddingly say that I wish my hubby could read my mind. Truth is, he can’t, and neither can anyone else. If you learn to be assertive and kind, Scarlett will respond and respect you for it. Plus, once you stop offering unsolicited help, she may very well ask for and follow your counsel when she is ready to change her circumstances.
