I hate to admit it, but I’m one of those people that if I can’t see it, touch it, taste it, or feel it; I probably just really don’t believe it. With a few exceptions ... I struggle daily with what I may or may not believe about God. I’m not a negative person but I have seen and experienced a lot of heartache and pain in my forty-six years. I believe everything happens for a reason, I’m just not always sure what that reason is. I haven’t had good friends and family that stick by you through the good and bad, with the exception of my cousin. I didn’t have a great childhood, and the good memories I do have don’t come from my mother and father. It really wasn’t their fault they just didn’t know any better, so I’ve given up on blaming them for my faults.
I’ve had three good men in my life, the first being my grandpa. In my eyes, the man was a saint ... and still to this day when I smell Old Spice aftershave, I travel through time for a moment and become curly headed little “Na Na”(that’s what he called me) sitting in his truck and he’s trying to teach me to say my “Rs” correctly so nobody could tease me anymore, knowing that whether or not I got it, he was going to drive me to the Pixie Drug Store and buy us both an ice cream cone.
The second, my brother. Although I must admit during our teenage years I didn’t like him too much, but when we became adults (he’s three years older), he became my saver and protector. We didn’t talk for probably seven years (he lived in Southern California, and I lived in Northern California), but when I needed him he was there in a flash, and I got to know him as a grown man; I must admit, I was impressed. He had people around him that admired and looked up to him ... women that valued his friendship, he was kind and giving. I was and still am proud to say, “That’s my brother.”
The third, my ex-husband, my children’s father. I met him in high school; he was dating my best friend who lived around the corner from me. He was the football star, and I was a geek, an invisible geek. We got together the summer before he left for college, when he called me to get the prom pictures he and my friend had taken and she was holding them for ransom. We went to the movies and saw E.T. when it first came out. Our relationship was built on friendship, there was never really any real passion, and I wanted the fairy tale I had read about, but he is a good man and a fantastic father, I have tons of respect for him; but it’s hard to build a marriage on respect.
