She and I grew up together. Went to the same daycare, the same school, our parents divorced around the same time. From new siblings to marriages beginning and failing we were always there for each other. I was looking forward to the possibility of her getting pregnant soon and me being an aunt. I thought we would be friends forever, always helping and sharing life’s huge milestones with each other and our families.
Until one day I said something that ultimately offended her and ruined two friendships that I will never get back.
It was supposed to be the best weekend of the year; three of us girls on our way out of town for a baseball game; all of us hoping to create long lasting memories and of course funny stories to razz each other about in the future. Because hey, that’s the type of friendship we all had. The six-hour trip flew by and we got settled into our hotel and got ready for the game. Laughing, drinking, joking, singing, just having a good time. We continued to drink way too much and headed for the walk to the stadium. It was amazing. I had waited for this day for months after I sat and waited on Ticketmaster for the tickets to go on sale.
I sadly don’t remember much from the game, only the people around us getting upset with one of the girls because she was being a little obscene. What happened after the game also isn’t so clear. I do know that she and I ended up in a fight because I said the one thing that apparently would tear our friendship a part. TwentyYEARS of friendship gone because I said I didn’t believe in God. I don’t know why I said it; probably to piss her off because I have a way with pushing buttons, but I really had no reasoning for it and definitely did not know it would cause so much of a disturbance.
I don’t believe in God; any god not just the one who she worships. Not the one who she goes and prays to when she needs help day after day and still he doesn’t help her. Not the one who lets terrible things happen to good people. Not the miracle maker that some see him to be. No god. No devil. Just life in the moment.
The argument seemed to last forever and despite me telling her I was sorry and out of line and that I didn’t know why I said it, she kept pushing me for answers. Yelling in my face and sobbing. Which in turn enraged me to the point of wanting to physically harm her. I consider myself to be emotionally neutral. I only get upset about important things or when I get pushed into a corner and someone is trying to get me to say something that I’m obviously not getting correct. She pushed me there, asking for answers that I couldn’t give her. I said it; I don’t know why I did and I was sorry.
Needless to say, our night was over after that. The next day we packed up and drove straight home instead of sightseeing as we had planned. We got to her house and left; last time I’d ever see her.
I had tried to talk to her twice since we had been home and it kept on going back to her trying to beat something out of me. She wanted reasoning and I couldn’t give it to her. I was overly wasted, and not that it is a good excuse, but I said something that hurt her, which I don’t understand so much. Because God wasn’t there for her when her parents got divorced, or when he boyfriend was going down the wrong path. God wasn’t there when she needed someone to talk to at three in the morning. God didn’t hold her hand at the doctor’s office or comfort her when she needed it most. I did. And still, God wins. Only because she chose to pick him over me. I don’t know if she gets extra points for saying peace out to me and sticking with the ghost or what, but I lost.
I tried to contact her again recently. Because she was the friend I could talk shit to about our teams playing each other or when a funny movie quote or thought popped into my head. So I text her; a truce. And still I didn’t get a thing from her. Not even a “fuck you.” I am curious to know, what ever happened to her getting pregnant? Does she think of me when she hears “Perfect” by Pink still (yeah I’m the crazy friend, I suppose)? Does she start to reach for the phone when she’s watching a movie that she knows I’ll also know every punch line to? I know that the picture painted of me is grim now. When it comes to anyone in her life, they tend to judge and, I would expect, hold grudges. In a way I hope this too passes. And if not, then this just gave me one more reason to not believe in a ghost who can tear lives apart.
