I am writing about this because I know nothing else to do. If I can help a best friend out there somewhere save their best friend, then that is what I must do. My best friend whom I have known for 15 years, decided to check out last Saturday evening, while her 6 yr old son sat down stairs waiting for his dad to return home from work. I am so pissed at her for leaving this wake of destruction, but then my heart tells me that she was in a lot of pain and now she is not suffering anymore.
Then I think, hey what about all of us that are here to pick up the pieces and move forward. I have spent more time on the phone with her listening, talking and laughing, than I have spent at work, home or any other place on earth. We shared everything from heartache because I had cancer and couldn’t have any more children to moving 2 states away.
There are moments in the day when I think of something that I want to tell her and pick up the phone to dial, then realize hey stupid, she’s not going to be there. I have learned that anything repeated 30 times, it becomes a habit. I REALLY MISS HER! Not only was she my best friend but my sister that my parents forgot to give me. When someone tells you that they are seeking help and telling you that they are taking the medication that is prescribed for them. ASK THEM TO SEE FOR YOURSELF. Nothing is of face value anymore. Do not give credit until it is earned.
The last serious conversation we had was about a month ago. We were talking about my family’s background and how all of these diseases that run in my family. Her words to me were, “You need to take care of things because I don’t know what I would do without you.” WHAT THE HECK DID SHE THINK THAT I WOULD DO STAND OUTSIDE AND DO THE HAPPY DANCE IF SHE LEFT ME? SELFISH ACTS, I would never have guessed this from her not in a million years.
Let me tell you something, pills, alcohol and depression DO NOT MIX!!!
There are moments in the course of the day, where I am mad at her, then I miss her, then I want to bring her back to life so I can choke the living crap out of her. I realize that time heals all wounds, however I cannot wait for time, my heart hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. Death is no stranger to my life, but SUICIDE … never experienced it before and I know that I never want to experience it again.
I miss you Tina! My best friend and sister!
