In my adult life I have come to realize that grown-up friendships are way more complicated than those of our high school years. The relationships (of any nature) are really more complicated. When you are younger we only cared for a few days that something isn’t really going the way we want them too. I met my best friend when I was almost twenty-four years old and I am afraid that I may lose her because my heart has set my eyes on someone my friend used to be with.
I have been in relationships before and so-called friendships but neither one of them has ever put me in a position like the one I am in now. My friend and I have been hanging out with these guys and they are all so cool and down to earth, well most of them. I made my decision to date this one guy from the group when I knew in my heart that I wanted another other guy but the messed up part about it was that my friend used to date this guy and she stills want to mess around with this guy—therefore my decision was already made for me. I cannot express how much I love my girlfriend, but this is a feeling I have not had in a long time for a man and I am trying so hard to think of good reasons of why I should not pursue this, but all I keep thinking about is how this man makes me feel in just conversation alone and I have never had that.
I want to say that she will eventually understand and that it will be okay if I go ahead and try to pursue something with this man, but I know that this will never happen. My luck just doesn’t work that way. This man and me talk constantly on the phone and recently he made this statement that he knows that we have feelings for each other. We know that this is wrong, a statement that we have told each other over and over, but like he tells me life isn’t fair but the time that we have here on earth we have to enjoy it and live it to the fullest or else we will never truly be happy or experience true love. I try to adapt his mentality but the fact that I never really had a true and dedicated friend and the fact that I may jeopardize that it making me go crazy. In the mist of all this I realize that I am hindering myself from finding out if this could be something real or not, and I am also hindering myself from actually testing my friendship.
Holding my tongue has become a perfection of mine is me and my girlfriend’s relationship. There are a lot of differences between us. She is a great mother and a great person so don’t get that misconception about her. I don’t answer questions that I can’t lie about and I try not to get involved in her relationship with this other guy. But I know that she will never understand that the past is the past and sometimes people fall for other people and it is not something that could be prevented or something that was planned.
I know that in my heart that she will think that this guy and I have probably been messing around with each other all the time and we know that isn’t the truth. What the HELL am I suppose to do? I want to be happy and I want my friend there to share in my happiness, so why can’t I have it both ways? Is there some force that prevents people from having a good relationship with your best friend’s old boyfriend and still maintain the best relationship with that friend?
