Yes, there is a pang of jealousy and resentment when I look at those bridal registries. Here I am contemplating going into credit card debt to buy expensive china for friends while I have four matching plates, two of them chipped, that I got in a clearance sale at a discount store, and some mismatched other dishes I’ve picked up from reject bins. Why should I be expected to buy expensive gifts for people while I’m living my life getting by with mismatched, damaged, rejected goods?
Ahhhh, now there’s a metaphor.
And a lesson. In a perfect world we’d treat ourselves as well as we treat our friends. But we live in a world where there is social obligation and decorum. And that decorum dictates that we treat our friends and family better than we treat ourselves.
Everyone knows no one can love us until we love ourselves. And yet if we treat ourselves to the gifts we give our friends we’re deemed selfish. If I spend money on china for myself I won’t have money to spend on my friends’ engagement/shower/wedding gifts. That would make me feel bad. Guilty. It would be socially frowned upon.
Imagine me giving my friends an inexpensive gift not from their registry. Then imagine my friends coming over to my place and seeing my new expensive china. Yeah. *Awkward.*
The bold, assertive, confident single person would do just that, even flaunt their new china to their married friends. It would be the “fuck you and your bridal registry” heard ’round the world.
But us Never Married Friends would suffer a huge blow to our credibility. That act would set us back years. We would be perceived as jealous, embittered, resentful, and petty, cheap, selfish, and rude. Everyone would say, “No wonder she’s single. She’s jealous, embittered, resentful, petty, selfish, and rude.”
So I sacrifice my desires for theirs. In keeping with the lowly social perception of The Never Married Friend, I eat off chipped, mismatched, rejected dishes. And rack up credit card debt to buy my friends’ shower and wedding presents. It makes no logical sense. But, there’s decorum for you. Want friends? Deal with social obligations like bridal gift registries.
I am, however, making a compromise. I am not buying engagement presents. I have sent cards offering best wishes. I spent around $5 each (postage and tax included) for cards. With four newly engaged friends, that’s an outlay of $20 so far.
This time around, I’m keeping a spreadsheet on the expense outlay for these four friends’ marriages. I’m documenting the expense of weddings and the strain it puts on budgets of the attendees, friends, and relatives. I’m hoping the black and white reality of that strain will help people understand that The Never Married Friends are not embittered because their friends found love and marriage. We’re embittered because we’re expected to pay for gifts we can’t afford, gifts that put a strain on our budgets and force sacrifices on us. I know there are brides-to-be out there screaming at their monitors, “Do you know how much a wedding costs? Us brides are throwing a huge party, inviting you, giving you food and cake and booze and music and a dance floor! The least you can do is put on a nice dress and give us a wedding present!” Yep. Weddings are expensive. But keep in mind, dear bride, that this is your wedding. You are in control. If you want to spend $10,000 on a dress and $100/per person for dinner that’s your call, not your guests’.
No one owes you gifts. Gifts are a nice thing that people give you because they’re happy for you. If you’re using gifts as leverage or as a bargaining chip, you need to re-evaluate your guest list. If you’ve ever thought the words, “The cost of the gift should equal the amount spent on the guest’s dinner and booze,” you need to do some serious soul searching about why you’re throwing this wedding shindig. Sure, it’s a general rule of thumb for us guests who are uncertain about how much we should spend on a gift. But it’s not absolute. Some of us, happy for you as we may be, truly cannot afford a $50 to $100 gift. If you cannot accept that fact then you need to accept that we will decline the invitation to your wedding bash, opting to instead send a card and a token present.
And for the second time brides, or the first time brides marrying a second time groom, keep in mind that many (most) of your guests have been through this with you (or your groom) already.
