“Thank God you’re not with him anymore.” My friend rolled her eyes. “I don’t know how you dated him.”
Whoa. What? My friend’s distaste for my now ex-boyfriend was news to me. How my family and friends feel about the person I’m dating is almost as important as how I feel about him. So if my ex had been so unpopular with my inner circle, why hadn’t someone said something before?
Whether or not to clue a friend or family member into the fact that her significant other is lazy, noncommittal, mean, a couple sandwiches short of a picnic, or dealing something shady out of his basement can be a delicate situation, but it doesn’t have to end your relationship.
What’s your problem?
Is the offensive partner just mildly annoying or borderline abusive? If there are signs of physical or emotional abuse, don’t just give your friend disapproval. “Give her a way out,” advises Connecticut-based clinical psychologist Dr. Elaine Ducharme. Encourage her to seek professional help and ask for copies of car and house keys and important documents in case of emergency. However, if the guy’s greatest transgression is an irritating laugh and a fondness for synthetic fabrics, you should probably grin and bear it.
Mind your own beeswax.
Before you start offering unsolicited opinions, ask yourself these questions: Is it your business? How close are you to this person? Does she confide in you about the relationship? How much time do you have to spend with her significant other? Of course, there’s always the Golden Litmus Test—if the situation were reversed, would you want her to say something to you?
Make it about her, not him.
If you decide to bring the situation up with your friend, let her know that what you ultimately want is her happiness. Remember this person plays an important role in her life. If you start laundry listing his faults, your friend may take it as an attack on her. (Read: “What kind of an idiot dates this loser?”)
Instead, says Dr. Ducharme, focus on how he makes her feel. Frame your misgivings as questions: Have you ever noticed that Jack can be kind of cold? Have you thought what it would be like to be married to someone who doesn’t laugh as much as you do? Or focus on your feelings: It makes me angry when Clay’s rude to you. I worry that Todd isn’t trustworthy. Your friend is more likely to consider what you’ve said if you’ve posed it as food for thought rather than a smackdown.
