“Few delights can equal the mere presence of someone we utterly trust.”—George MacDonald
Something happened at the office recently that made me pause to consider friendship and its many important degrees: During a three-way conversation between myself and two female co-workers, one of the individuals (whom I admire), made it clear to another co-worker (with whom I am not forthcoming about personal information) that she was willing to betray a confidence of mine that she had been safekeeping. It wasn’t what she said to the co-worker as much as what she didn’t say that tipped me off. I observed in amazement as the words gliding from her lips appeared to contradict the non-verbal signals she was sending, such as head nods, eye locks, and other subtle cues that together, added up to a shockingly clear underlying message, “Drop the topic for now … I’ll give you the dish later, when she (meaning me) is unsuspecting.”
Problem is, I am suspecting. Part of the reason for my suspicious nature is because I work in an office of women, and for better or worse, women are naturals at reading and interpreting body language—including subtle (or in this case, not-so-subtle) cues. I have it on good authority (thirteen years of marriage) that men tend to not only miss the subtle signs of communication, but scoff at women’s ruminations about their significance to the social context of an interaction. In short, they see us as “hypersensitive.”
Now, I’ll admit that my past is riddled with incidents reflecting poor judgment and skewed perceptions, and granted, I am somewhat inept at developing friendships. But I know my way around the underlying meaning of a conversation and there is research to back-up the “how” and “why” of woman’s intuition: we are wired for connection to others, including decoding the meaning behind the words. Indeed, it has been shown that from an early age, females possess an innate knack for honing-in on subtle body language, such as reading faces and vocal tones that little boys miss. This ability seems to have stemmed from our female ancestors, and served a real survival value. It is thought that our ancestral counterparts’ natural desire for connection and relationship helped ensure their fitness (and hence, survival) when it came to rearing babies, care-taking children, and cooperating with other females on primitive “housekeeping” items for the betterment of the group.
But an innate superpower for dubious behavior detection wasn’t the only reason I suspected my co-workers willingness to betray my secret. Past experience has demonstrated her clear history of being unable (or, as the case may be, unwilling) to honor personal confidences—and not just mine. She’s the office Gossip. She’s also friendly, bright, funny and endearing. She’s so charming, in fact, that many of us in the office have at one time or another found ourselves caught under her spell, revealing personal information against our own better judgment.
In the end, we feel vulnerable and even beholden to these kinds of people. Yet, they seem to gloat in the “power” they hold. According to her book, Bad Bosses, Crazy Co-workers and Other Office Idiots, Vicky Oliver describes gossiping co-workers with a hankering for power as “Watercooler Wags.” According to Oliver, the “Watercooler Wag” brokers personal information, trading secrets and fears with much enjoyment. In addition to a thirst for power, she may seek to gain popularity and acceptance, or simply want to ‘keep her finger on the pulse’ of office antics. No matter what her motivation, she will hold you in her debt if she manages to keep your secret, but it’s far more likely she’ll spill it to the first person expressing a casual interest.
Anne Katherine explains in her book Where to Draw the Line that gossiping is a form of ‘triangulation,’ which serves only to pit people against each other—often unsuspectingly and for no good reason. One of the parties is being discussed outside of the conversation at-hand, and doing so can actually create an issue between the target (unsuspecting person being discussed) and the person being spoken to, where none previously existed, and without the target even realizing it happened. Gossip may help discharge feelings, but doesn’t heal them, and in fact, sows the seeds of discord. For these reasons, Katherine explains, gossip violates the boundaries of friendship and is never healthy.
