“We need to talk.”
He sounded like it was taking every ounce of his strength to tell me what was on his mind. I simply felt like I was going to throw up. Before he said another word, I began to pace. Thoughts were racing through my mind at a mile a minute. What did I do wrong? Is he going to break up with me? Have I been so stupid all along to think that this was more? I didn’t know where this was heading and I was already on the verge of tears before he uttered another word.
“Look, the thing is, I can’t give you everything … I already told you that. I’m getting the impression that you want a whole lot more than I am able to give. I’ve thought long and hard about this and I’ve decided that we need to be just friends. I will always view you as just a friend.”
I completely fell apart. I didn’t cry. I didn’t complain. I didn’t argue. I went completely and totally numb. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t think. Most of all, I couldn’t speak. I completely forgot about his insecurities and focused on the fact that my fears had come to be reality. He didn’t want me. The man who gave me the best first date of my life didn’t want me. Numb doesn’t even begin to accurately describe how I felt.
“Talk to me, please,” he said.
“Uh huh,” was all I could manage.
“Well, am I wrong? Do you want more?” he asked.
I said nothing.
His whole demeanor suddenly changed. He asked again, “Do you want more? Please tell me.”
I offered nothing but heavy silence.
I could sense the panic in his voice. I had my wits around me enough to realize that this was not going completely according to whatever plan he had before he called.
“Oh God,” he said in a blatant panic.
He began to reach for an explanation, “Look, here’s the deal. You know me and I know you. In fact, you know me better than anyone I’ve ever known. Please don’t be upset. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t in my life.”
This is crap, I thought. These are the same lines used by my ex-husband and I was dumb enough to accept them then. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Still, I said nothing. I sat in hushed awe at what I was hearing. Please don’t be upset? Is he kidding?
“You’re angry. Please don’t be angry,” his voice quivered. I found myself a little bit shocked to realize that he was actually crying a bit on the other end. This was not like my ex husband. I was able to mutter one thing.
“Did you sleep with someone else? Is that what this is about?” I already knew the answer before I asked.
“God no! You know me. I told you, you know me.” He was right; I did know him. He wouldn’t do that. His entire life was family. All free time was with me and/or his kids. In whatever other time he had he was either at work or taking care of his ailing mother. I knew he was doing both because he’d call and talk to me during everything. He didn’t have time for an affair.
“I would never do that to you,” he repeated through his tears, obviously hurt.
“I know you’re angry, but please don’t leave me,” he said. This time he was begging. Flat out begging. Had I missed something? Don’t leave him? How had this phone call started again? What was happening here?
“I’ve messed this up. I’ve messed everything up. I’ve messed us up,” by this time he was crying flat out. I knew he meant he had messed things up by the way he handled the conversation. He was right. I knew him.
“I need you to understand. If we tried to have a relationship and it didn’t work out ...” he paused, carefullly picking his words. “...if it didn’t work out, you’d leave and like I said, I don’t know how to live without you anymore. I can’t risk you leaving,” I could sense the unspoken words, ‘like she left’ before he continued, “so that’s why I mentioned just being friends. I can’t risk losing you.”
The numbness began to wear off a bit. I was aware enough to understand a little that he was scared. He was really scared that I would leave if we didn’t work out. Being friends was his safe way of keeping me in the picture without losing me. I understood his fear, but my terror had a firm grasp on my psyche by this point. I understood, but was unsure of what I should do. What do I say when both of us are terrified?
Without thinking, I mumbled, “I understand.” Wait. I didn’t mean that. What was I saying?
Even though it wasn’t what I meant to say, he seemed to relax.
