So here I am typing up my recent realizations about my life at 1:33 a.m. on a literally Thursday morning. I work full time and focus on my career and education and enjoy my newfound status as a lovely, sexy young lady who is also intelligent. I am just realizing that if a guy cannot appreciate me for that, then he is the loser and that I have a lot to offer someone. I should not settle for all the crap that I am getting from these dorky guys. I try so hard to make it work asking them out, it’s like I am the guy, but they haven’t learned how to treat me right.
I am quitting being a doormat and going to make the change this year to have someone treat me with dignity and respect, otherwise just forget them. I think it’s important that I realize that I do deserve someone who will appreciate me for the person that I am as well as my exterior beauty. It has been way too long that I have been underappreciated. It is time I re-take charge of my life again and make it work for the better. I have to realize that there are people who appreciate class and quality still and would be so honored that I would even show interest. I think men just want to be in control psychologically and maybe this is why I have been turned down so many times, despite my beauty both inner and outer.
I think it is incredibly hard for a woman just to be herself without a man feeling threatened that he needs to be in control. It is sad how women have to appear submissive and not in control in order to gain actual control. This is the reason why I think I have been jaded lately and have a secret fantasy of even becoming or trying to become a lesbian. Sometimes I wish I can just do that, but apparently that is difficult as well. This one woman I was attracted to seems to be workaholic galore and doesn’t make plans. It seems like my emotional intelligence is not up to par and I wonder how I can better myself in that area. I guess it’s not enough to have social skills and be loved. There is a skill that I am lacking and that I need to learn, and fast. It is mainly how to learn how to be loved in such a way where I am respecting myself and my true needs. Each time I think about how come a guy doesn’t ask me out, it breaks my heart and has me up this late at night to put more time and energy into my education because I don’t want to be the loser and wait for someone to love me.
I need to love myself unconditionally in ways that no one else can before I can even think of ever wanting to be in a relationship. I am dreading Valentine’s Day. I just wish it would pass and we can experience the rest of the other holidays. I am going to plan something special to remember and treasure my love of myself. Perhaps I need to meditate on this more. Perhaps it will be going to church for half a day or maybe just taking a long hike and gaining some perspective. Who knows? I wish I could travel, but work and school doesn’t allow me. I pray that someone smart will see me for who I am and all the talents that I possess and never take me for granted. I have been so verbally affectionate with people and yet I don’t get that same love in return. I have become so jaded that it is not even funny. I have become a literal hermit. What can I do then? Just pray to God perhaps. Ask him to send me someone of quality and someone who won’t take me for granted and wants to just love me in return.
