I had been with him for six-plus years. Roughly three years into it, we had a beautiful baby girl who is the center and light of my life. The last year and a half of the relationship was a serious downhill ride in which I crashed HARD! Picking up the pieces of me and my life was not easy but I did have help, emotionally and financially. I thank God for those I found to truly be able to count on in such a vulnerable time.
Through it all, I manage to develop a relationship beyond just friends. I don’t think any words I put down here can truly explain and bring you to understand that our friendship was and is so important to both of us. That friendship is what keeps me (maybe him) from letting things grow to an emotional level. We all know how sex can ruin everything. However, sex was far from all that it was becoming. There are several ingredients to the success we have had so far, not the least of which was anonymity.
It has been almost a year or so since I allowed myself to “go there.” In the time since, I have picked up my life and my daughter and moved out of state to get my life in order and provide a future for us. He and I still wanted to see each other so he has come to visit me a few times over the last 7–8 months. I have wavered on the idea of what we had and were doing. After all, I am trying to focus on things way bigger than sex and still worry greatly about the demise of our friendship.
I’ve often wondered what will happen if I meet someone here. We have had many conversations about just that and I am constantly reassured that we are not a couple and I can do whatever I want and vice versa. Another ingredient is that we do not ask questions in which we do not want to know the answer. This is very powerful and works if the relationship is truly understood. We have a connection that absolutely surpasses any relationship I’ve had in the past, biblical or not. We agree on issues that I never thought a man could agree on and he says the same of me. Our conversations are real and deep and have great meaning, we are both quite analytical. On the flip side, our sex life is incredible and always has been since the first time. It wasn’t from having to figure each other out either. We are honestly ourselves with one another and it’s effortless. We have the best times when go out! We could do nothing at all but hang at home or hit the town, including strip clubs and sushi till 2 a.m.! It’s all game for us and we are never disappointed with one another. We understand when times are not so great and give one another the space we need.
Having said all this, I imagine all of you are saying to yourselves, “They are so in love and just won’t admit it.” However, I am not. I care about him and can even say I love him, but I am not in love with anyone. To have the relationship we have and find myself NOT in love, there must be a reason, right? There is a reason and maybe more than one. First of all, when you think of yourself and another spending say the rest of your lives together, there are certain scenarios that play in your head. The family get-togethers, the fact that I have a young and impressionable child to consider, etc., etc., etc. I need to get to the point here, don’t I? I hate to say that this is a factor because it is something I never thought I would allow to have this much of an effect on my decisions. We are of different races. I have told him this is a problem for any future “together” because, in the large scheme of things, my family is very important to me and I have the utmost respect for my grandfather, who would probably seriously have a heart attack if he knew ... regardless of how well I am being treated. So here I am, in another state than my family, and trying to just be happy raising my daughter. Trying not to think too much and live each day as they come. Being a single mother doesn’t allow me freedom to date and why would I want to bother with the unknown right now? My problem here lies in the future and I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
Not sure why I wanted to write about this, except that I plan to write and post more in the future and this was a way to start.
