A person goes through life and has the precious pleasures of meeting others, making friends, colleagues, mentors, and then all of the sudden, without reason I have found they drop like flies.
I sit there and wonder what have I done? I have a heart, and to get around some of the hurtfulness of the abandonment feelings, I throw myself into politics, work, or business ideas and ventures.
I thought when you cared about someone you just do. If someone would to go out of their way to intentionally harm you, I could understand not wanting to be around a person like that.
But I have done nothing, but try to accept what is, and try and convince myself it is not my fault, something must be happening, and trying to manage the pain the best I can. I have had so much pain and loss in my life, why??
I try to reach out and some do respond, but I never understand why sometimes I hear anger. I have only done the best I have been able to, and have totally fought to stay whole and alive, but sometimes the pain can be so unbearable.
I have a good family, I am very fortunate for that, but because of some of the circumstances in my life, I don’t always let them in. I don’t know how. I don’t feel like a normal family member.
At the moment my father had been diagnosed with Parkinson disease, and is diabetic. I am feeling two things. I am unemployed at the moment, and have decided is that just better right now, so I can help my Mom deal with things better??
The other feeling is that I want a life, with friends, a mate, not just new ones but the ones I have had too. If I had my choice for myself I would re-locate, but I can’t seem to be totally comfortable leaving my mom and dad’s right now. I don’t know how much they want me here, I don’t know how much I help and I don’t know how much I can handle as far as my Father’s situation. I hate the thought of loosing him, but I must face that this is probably the beginning of the end.
I am not thrilled about where I live, but should I just make the best of it and stick it out for the older years? I do love my family very much; I just can not be myself at all. I have had to adjust my way of living so much, and thinking, when I thought, even with a little bit of rough patches at the time, in my head I was in a really good place, when I first came back to stay for a while this time. I am unemployed, and it has been a rough go at trying to find a job, and I am a worker.
Just what are the answers? Will anyone ever find it in themselves to open up and tell me what happened in my life that was so bad and how I have been turned away by so many?
