When we’re granted access to every minute detail of people’s lives on Facebook, perhaps it shouldn’t come as any surprise when we learn of their deaths the same way. Yet there’s something unsettling about being alerted to an old friend’s passing mere moments after glancing at a party invite or watching a posted video. Facebook isn’t just a place to maintain communication anymore; it’s become a place to grieve, to pay final respects to someone, and connect with his/his friends. With every new memorialized profile page or group dedicated to a deceased user, Facebook is changing not only the way we hear about deaths, but the way we mourn them as well.
Death on Facebook’s Terms
When we think about what will happen when we die, chances are “What happens to my Facebook profile?” isn’t one of the first questions that come to mind. But as of 2007, we no longer have to wonder. In response to the flood of comments left on the profile pages of victims of the Virginia Tech shootings, Facebook altered its policy. Now, once Facebook finds out that a user has died, that person’s profile is automatically memorialized. What this means is that for thirty days, sensitive information (status updates and contact information, for example) is taken off the page, the profile can only be looked at by friends (the friend list is also locked), and people are able to post messages and photos on the person’s Wall.
Alerting Facebook about a user’s death requires filling out a deceased form, which requires knowledge of the person’s date of birth, email address used for the account, network, and full name. However, the memorialized status only lasts for one month, so those who want to keep their loved ones’ profiles up longer than that either don’t fill out the form or request that Facebook preserve it. Another popular option that Facebook offers is for friends and family members to start group pages dedicated to the deceased, such as “Tribute to ____” or “In Memory of ____,” where people can share memories and cherished pictures online. And for those who want the profile eliminated completely, Facebook will only honor the request if you’re a close relative and can prove the relation.
A New Mourning Process
Hearing about someone’s death is almost always shocking, but having to read about it online through a status update or group message is a different kind of jolt. Thankfully, I’ve yet to experience reading about a Facebook friend’s (and I specify Facebook friend because, as we all know, that term encompasses close friends, coworkers, former classmates, acquaintances, and plenty of other people we’d never call or hang out with in real life, but will easily add them to our virtual circles) death online, but I’d imagine it makes the whole event seem somewhat distant.
Eric, twenty-four, voiced a similar sentiment when I spoke with him about the matter. He found out about a high school peer’s death via a mutual friend’s profile. “I suppose that it’s common to learn of a friend’s death indirectly or in passing, but learning about it through a social networking site felt sort of cheap,” he explains. However, because they hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in years, he feels that reading the news online might’ve only “emphasized a distance that would have been there regardless.”
Sasha, thirty-eight, felt differently when he received multiple messages about the death of his friend. They were close in high school but hadn’t kept in touch throughout the years; the friend didn’t have a Facebook account. After his death, someone started a group page as a tribute to his life and those who knew him used it as a way to publicize memorial service information and coordinate informal group gatherings in his honor—meetings he says would be difficult to organize if not for the convenience of online communication.
For Sasha, learning of the news on Facebook didn’t make him feel distant from the death. “The reaction’s the same regardless of how you found out,” he believes. “It’s coming from someone you know and that’s more comforting.” He also appreciated the access that Facebook gave him to the memories shared by other mourners. “Facebook gives you something immediate to do, like sharing photos. The grieving process can start sooner … it’s immediate and ongoing,” he says.
Changing the Meaning of Goodbye
Whatever repose one derives from the process of mourning online, there’s no question that it’s quickly becoming a social norm. As Sasha puts it, “The more we live our lives online, the more common it’s gonna be.” A 2009 Journal of Adolescent Research study suggests a similar fate—researchers found that grievers will continue looking at or interacting with a deceased person’s profile months after the death. During the ten-month study, 4,780 comments were left on the profiles of twenty dead users. And there are numerous stories online of people finding peace with the loss by looking at old pictures, reconnecting with former friends through the person’s profile, and even leaving one last message on his or her Wall.
It’s almost as if you never really have to say goodbye, just as long as this person’s profile exists. Conversely, as long as a part of you remains in the virtual world, you’re never completely gone from your loved ones’ lives and that brings a certain amount of comfort as well. As death via Facebook becomes more common and normalized, it will increasingly affect how we grieve, how we come together to mourn, and perhaps even what we think of as closure. Now that Facebook has been around for a few years and we’ve witnessed how quickly it’s infiltrated our lives, it’ll be fascinating to see just how much an online presence can grow once the real world one passes on.