As a kid who grew up reading Sweet Valley High, I’ve always been curious about the lives of twins. Having a twin just seems so rewarding—not only for the convenience factor of testing outfits (like Cher from Clueless, I don’t trust mirrors), but for the seemingly unbreakable bond that exists between them. It’s hard not to be envious of those born with companions for life.
People are fascinated with twins, particularly when it comes to how we view the “twin connection,” which can encompass logical characteristics like having a close relationship, as well as questionable ones like having ESP. While there isn’t scientific evidence supporting the existence of telepathy in twins, the attachment between them is undeniable. So what makes the connection between twins seem supernatural?
Shared Childhoods, Shared Identities
Thanks to TV shows, movies, and other popular entertainment sources, twins are often associated with extraordinary abilities, such as being able to feel each other’s pain and read each other’s minds. However, neither attribute has been proven, despite numerous studies and research on twins’ personalities. Yet anecdotes and instances abound of feeling ill when the other one does, communicating as if one knows the other’s thoughts automatically, and even having a shared, privately developed language, a phenomenon called idioglossia.
Some psychoanalysts believe that, because of the shared course of their lives, one twin sees the other as an extension of herself. Consciously or not, most twins have somewhat of a communal identity—one can’t imagine existing without the other because that’s all she has ever known. That could also be why separation can be so traumatic for twins. Alison, a twenty-five-year-old twin from California, initially had trouble being away from her sister after going away to college. “I went through a couple weeks of separation anxiety where I slept about thirteen hours a day and didn’t have much of an appetite,” she says. But as a result, she believes that both she and her sister are more independent. Eric, twenty-five, didn’t have as hard of a time when he and his twin brother moved to different states, but they still find some way to communicate almost every day.
Twins vs. Siblings
There’s no denying that the relationship between twins seems much closer and more intense than that of other siblings. That’s because they have the unique experience of having been around each other for 100 percent of their lives. Because they go through everything—first day of school, puberty, etc.—at the exact same time, they bond over those events. Eric explains it this way: “The biggest difference [between having a twin and having a sibling] is with a twin, you will always be in the same group. We had the same friends … played on the same sports teams …We graduated together, made college choices together, and turned twenty-one together,” he relates.
Even if siblings are only a year apart, that time difference is enough to create a separation, however small, between the two. Growing up, they’ll have a different peer set from which to choose friends and they’ll experience major life markers at different times. “Other siblings, no matter how close in age, will always have an older/younger relationship, and one will always be more advanced and skillful … With twins, there is more give and take, more changing of roles,” describes Lydia, a mother of twenty-one-month-old twins (one boy, one girl). Until they get older and start developing more individualized identities—choosing separate career paths, meeting people outside their peer groups, etc.—twins tend to be significantly closer to each other than regular siblings because their senses of self don’t exist without that relationship.
What the Connection Means to Them
Neither of the sets of twins I interviewed believe in what we usually think of as the twin connection—the mind reading, psychic episodes, and so forth. “I think the connection comes from spending every day of your life with the same person for eighteen straight years,” Eric explains. “If I was born to one family and another boy was born to another family, but we spent every day together from day one and were raised by the same people, I would feel the same connection with that person as I would a twin.”
