How can a person, with an upbringing and genetic fingerprint so similar to mine, get married to such a loathsome creature? I pondered this question after meeting my sister’s fiancé for the first time. Some friends and I were staying at their house in Truckee and his character flaws rapidly became evident. Besides reprimanding my sister for having her cell phone on in the house, besides offering my friends beer, then accusing them of drinking all the beer, he started kissing my sister in front of me and said, “We better not do this in front of your sister, she might get jealous.”
At forty-two, this man was well past the age where this could be considered funny. I considered it repulsive. He was put on my “unsavory items” list (below cigarettes; above cellulite) and has remained there ever since.
In laws are a unique category of acquaintances. Unlike friends, you do not choose them. You may have nothing in common with them, except the person that that brought you all together. Unlike relatives, your upbringings may be very different. You may hail from different parts of the world, the nation and the political spectrum. In some instances, you may grow to love them and treat them just like a relative of your own. But the preponderance of websites, movies, TV shows, books, jokes and songs that are devoted to making fun of and venting about in-laws, especially mother-in-laws, indicates many people do not:
“Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, ‘My Mother-in-law is an angel.’ His friend replies, ‘You're lucky. Mine is still alive.’”
These humorous sentiments can mask a greater problem. When relations with in-laws don’t work out, strained marriages, stressful family functions and downright nastiness can result. Once you realize there are greater issues at stake—family cohesiveness, kids, inheritances—it’s time to try and maintain a semblance of calm during difficult in-law encounters. Try these tips:
- When dealing with parents-in-law, Nancy Wasserman Cocola, author of Six in Bed, stresses the importance of presenting a united front. You and your partner must be supportive of each other and show relatives that your partnership comes first.
- Set boundaries. Part of being a united front means not letting relatives intrude on your coupledom. Establish rules for topics that are considered private and not up for in-law discussion, personal time (i.e., no unannounced visits), and how much holiday and vacation time will be spent with in-laws.
- Take a tip from Emily Post and adhere to basic rules of etiquette. Be polite, respectful and offer to help out. Dodge nosy questions by deflecting rudeness and changing the topic: “You’re right, Sarah, I was thinner last year. How’s your irritable bowel syndrome?”
- Remember your rights. In her book, Toxic In-Laws, Dr. Susan Forward helps us to remember that “you have the right to say ‘no’; to disagree; to not love them; to let them know when they’ve hurt, offended or mistreated you; and to ask them to stay out of problems between you and your partner.”
- Dr. Forward also suggests recognizing our own culpability with in-law relations. Expressing concerns and feelings without attacking the other person and not dwelling on past grievances can help open up honest communication. Above all, they should be treated with respect no matter how angry or hurt you feel.
- Have fun: Get togethers with in-laws are usually holidays, vacations, birthdays, weddings and the like. They are supposed to be fun times. So let them! Try to put things in perspective and seek comfort from the in-laws and relatives whose company you really do enjoy.
Developing a working relationship with in-laws can be a challenge that never goes away. Though I can’t say whether I’ll ever like my brother-in-law, he does serve one indispensable role that has resulted in enumerable good times for my parents and me: the butt of all our jokes.
