What can I say, it’s been over three years and I still haven’t dealt with the fact that she is gone. My heart aches every time I realize that my daughter will never meet My Mother the way that I would have liked her to. I was eighteen years old when My Mother passed away, now as a twenty-one year old I still feel as young and lost as I did trying to figure out how to sign up for college after High School. I failed to mention that I also have a twin I am grateful to have by my side throughout that tragedy of loosing her the year that was suppose to be the greatest year of our teen years. She passed on April 5th of 2004; we graduated on May 26, 2004. I’m pretty sure that it was hard not to have her there with us, I didn't let it get to me because I couldn't deal with her not being in my life anymore. Now I'm stuck with it inside of me and I don't how to get it out. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just a horrible person for not showing emotion towards her in anyway since and now that she is gone.
I've seen her go through so much hurt and struggle, just the way she handled it made me think it was nothing; that everything was going to be okay, they were just simple everyday things that grown-ups went through. She made it look easy. Little did I know that the little things that grown-ups go through were not so simple. Now as a mother and soon to be ex-wife I feel mad at her for not being here when I need her the most. I want to call her to go pick Leila up from daycare because I'm getting off of work late or pick her up and take her to the mall just to hang out and eat lunch and shop. I want to hear her laugh again. I want her to tell me what to do when I can't get my daughter to stop crying. I want her to tell me it's okay to cry when I am sad, and that things do get hard but they also get better.
I wonder if My Mother looked at me the way I look at my daughter, by the way, her name is Leila. I wonder if she looked and felt about me the way I feel about Leila. This little girl is the love of my life. I feel as if something where to happen to her my life would end. I'm pretty sure that mostly every parent feels the same. But I wish that I could have had My Mother there to ask if she held me in her heart the same way.
I think back about the times that I can remember and it makes me sad to know that she will never know me as an adult, a woman, or a mother. I want her to see me with my daughter and laugh at the silly questions I have as a overly concerned new parent. I want her to be happy when she sees me so in love with my daughter, and proud when she sees that I am now learning how it feels to have your heart outside your body and pray that everyday I will be able to be there for Leila and help her grow and learn the same things My Mother taught me. I figured sometimes I can just ease the pain by thinking about the past or even thinking on how things could have been if she was still here. Most of the time it just makes it worse. Perhaps she knew, about the struggles I would pass, the heartaches I would feel and the happiness I would enjoy. Perhaps she knew.
She was a wonderful woman, for those of you who didn't know her just think of her as the one woman you would wish to be. I do.
