I grew up in a great family with loving parents that are still together. My mother and I had more of a sister relationship and can be really honest with each other—unless it is something that my mother does not want to hear. I now suffer with depression and a past of physical abuse (by past boyfriend of four years), and after having a child of my own; I think my mental problems may be hereditary from my Mother. I do not think that the abuse I suffered is the only culprit of my problems.
Growing up, I pretty much had everything I wanted and could not ask for a more loving mother. She stayed at home with my sister, brother and I when we were little and has never really worked very long at any particular job. She was active, busy, had her own hobbies/interests and was and still is a great mom. The only thing is that she has drilled into my head that my self worth is based on my appearance.
This started at a very early age with beauty pageants, performances, etc. I have struggled for years with trying to be everything to everybody. I did and still think of ways that I can get the masses to “bow down” if you will when I walk in a room and I beat myself up if I make a mistake at work and my boss acts disappointed in me, my husband asks me to do something differently, you know the things that normally someone would see how they could do better and move on. I bash myself over the smallest things and in turn do not think I am worth anything. I have my bachelors degree, have a successful job in my field, I am the breadwinner of my family with my husband and daughter, etc., but I feel that I have done all of this for my mother—this is what she told me I was supposed to do.
Even still, with my own family, I find myself trying to please my mom. Now that my parents are older, I pretty much take care of them and watch out for them. My mother got hit in the head with a metal thermos that feel out of the cabinet above her head when she was in her 30’s. Up until then, she was really active. She received a lot of attention from this because she was never usually complaining, taking care of us, etc. Since then, she goes to every doctor she can get an appointment to, plans it as if it is outing and invites me to drive her and come along, does not work, and sleeps all the time. This has gone on since I was about in 5th grade—I am now 30 years old. When I was about 12, my mom started seeing a psychiatrist. She came to my dad and us kids and said that she needed us at one of her sessions. We were all good kids and pretty much did everything my parents asked.
When we went to the session, the psychiatrist told us my mothers problems were because of us. I was in the 5th grade. My brother was in the 3rd grade and my sister was in the 6th grade. When we needed for her to help us with homework, etc, she has yelled at me before saying, “I am sick!” My mother has so many sides to her. She is very negative and if you do not do what she wants, she shuts down and pretty much pouts. She will not talk to you and therefore, she makes me feel guilty and I end up giving in to things that may affect my family just so this will make her happy. She talks about other people that may not have as much as her, says bad things about people we know and is SO critical of everything I do.
