I have had a lot of loss in my life. My grandpa died when I was sixteen of ALS and that devastated me. I have several deaths follow him, some family, some friends. Then in 2004 my grandma passed away. She had fallen off a local bus and it damaged her brain and caused bleeding that could not be repaired. I got the call to go the hospital at 1 a.m. I spent the night and following day with her so my mom and her brother could rest. The nurses were great in the ICU. They allowed me to help take care of my grandma doing things that normally visitors are not allowed to do. It was teaching me about the process of death and to not fear it so much. I held her hand, I sang to her, I even told her silly stories about sneaky things I did at her house when I was younger. That night around 6:30 p.m. she passed away. Her husband at the time followed a month later from cancer.
Then January 31st, my dad was found dead in bed. He had had a massive heart attack. Death is never easy but when it is so unexpected it is harder I think. No good-byes or I love yous or anything. This was a HUGE blow to my system. I was a daddy’s girl when I was little but we had drifted apart in my teen years and had just started to get close again. I was old enough to understand some of the stuff he was dealing with and I think we came to an understanding and I was so hurt he was gone. He was my protector. I shut down emotionally and tried to be strong so I could help my mom deal with her pain and grief. NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!
Then June 2006 a friend Jim passed away from a heart attack. He was the fiancé of my best friend Gail. My heart was broken for her. I knew the pain, just not how to deal with it. My heart longed to reach out to her, but I did not know how, after all I did not yet really fully deal with my own grief or pain. I suck with speaking too. So I think I wrote a lot and sent cards. We started having coffee a lot and by my trying to reach out I was helping myself too. I would offer thoughts or advice then listen to myself and think: “I need to do that too.”
August of 2007 brought the biggest and most painful loss to me, my mom. It was not totally expected, but we were able to say good-bye, I now say that is not easy either. She had had heart surgery and developed a staph infection and it caused her kidneys and liver to shut down and then the infection spread to her heart and the new valves they had just put in. There was nothing that could be done. My mom and I were closer than most mother and daughters. We both had medical issues and we took care of each other. She helped take care of my daughter. We did just about EVERYTHING together. She was my life-line so to speak. I was totally devastated and am just now trying to sort and deal. I am trying to figure out how to go on without her here. It is a lonely place for me now and I have had a little trouble dealing with this. Thankfully I have had my friend Gail by my side. She took my daughter and I in and let us stay with her until we were able to go back to mom’s. She has been a phenomenal friend and confidante. She has understood the tears, the sadness, and moodiness. I am so thankful for her being in my life.
