Divorce is a one time legal event but which has long lasting psychological consequences. The effects of divorce on young children, depend upon several interacting factors.
Perhaps most important of these is the relationship between the parents. Another important consideration is the age of the child, and a third factor is the gender of the child.
The relationship between the parents prior to and after the divorce is the single most important factor in predicting how children will cope. In the best case, the parents decide they are not suited for one another but are united in their love and concern for the children. They minimize the change in life style and make sure that the children understand that there are two kinds of love. One kind is that between a man and a woman that can change. The other is that between parents and children which will never change. Divorce is never easy on any one, but if the parents have an amicable relationship, and maintain a close relationship with the children, after the divorce, the impact separation is considerably reduced.
At the other extreme is the divorce in which the parents are angry and bitter. The parents may be so caught up in their own feelings that they fail to take the children’s feelings into account. Even more serious is case in which the warring parents use the children as a means to hurt the other parent. One or both parents may ask the children to take sides, and or, bad mouth the other parent. This puts the child in a completely untenable position. Divorce is hard enough on children it shouldn’t be manipulated to meet the parents needs. Both parents need to recognize that whatever their differences, the divorce does not alter the fact that they are parents. In front of the children, responsible parents will never say bad things about the other parent, regardless of their personal feelings. A parent is a parent, and children should be given the opportunity to make their own character evaluations.
Age is another important factor. Preschool children do not understand divorce and may see the disappearance of one parent as rejection or abandonment. They need to be reassured that the parents still love them and that they will continue to see both parents (only if this is true of course.) School age children are most concerned about what is going to happen to them, to their living arrangements, change of school neighborhood etc. For this age group it is critical to sit down with them and to explain in detail if and how living arrangements will change, visitation issues and so on. Divorce hits young adolescents perhaps worst of all. They are at the romantic stage and believe that there is one special person made for them, and when they find that person they fall in love and live happily ever after. The divorce is a blow to their romantic ideal, and their readiness to enter into serious relationships. Parents need to be frank with adolescents about the reasons for the divorce and remind them that many couples do stay together for a lifetime.
The gender of the child is still another factor. Preschool boys, for example, may believe that their wish to have the father leave (the Oedipus complex) may lead them to believe that their wish caused the divorce. In later years these young men may become accident prone as a means of dealing with their guilt. Preschool girls in contrast may blame the mother for not being attractive enough, and become seductive with men once they reach adolescence. Interestingly, preschool girls who lose their fathers through death are usually shy and inhibited with older boys and men.
To say that there are risks for children as a result of divorce is not to say that divorce should be avoided. In many cases it may be the least/worst decision. What these considerations do mean is that divorce is as painful, if not more so, for children than for parents. Despite their own pain parents must appreciate how much their children need to be talked to about the divorce, reassured about their future, and be given support for their feelings of anger and resentment.
In most cases, it takes families, give or take five years, to fully recover from the divorce. Recovery is much faster and healthier in those cases in which the divorce is amicable than in those which it is not.
By Professor David Elkind. Renowned child psychologist David Elkind Ph.D. shares his experiences, opinions and insights on children’s perceptual, cognitive, and social development. Read his blog to learn more about how early experiences in infant development impact growth into adulthood and how you can support your child’s healthy development every step of the way.
