Transitioning from one gender to another is a hugely emotional process. It has its ups and downs, its gloriously beautiful moments, and its crushing, terrifying moments. But I’m not just talking about what the transitioning person is dealing with: this is what the person’s family is going through, too.
Discovering that a close family member is transgendered is kind of a big deal. When it’s a cousin or distant aunt, it can be confusing, infuriating, or a non-event, depending on the family. When it’s a beloved parent or spouse, it can be world-shaking. In our culture, gender identity of any part of the spectrum is such a part of who we are, of who people perceive us to be, that seeing it seem to change can be a confusing, frustrating, even heartbreaking experience. The gut reaction is often to see this as a huge change to who a person is at the most fundamental level. When someone seems to change that much, when they seem to be changing such an integral part of who they are, is the person you’ve always loved going to disappear? Is this a stranger forcing their way into your life while your loved one transitions? Are you about to lose this person you love so much?
The simple answer: No! No, no, a thousand times no.
The not-so-simple answer: It’s complicated.
What many families don’t understand when they first find out is that it isn’t a complete change of gender identity. A man transitioning to become a woman has often been a woman inside for a very long time; the transition is to create a body that matches the internal gender identity. He didn’t decide to become a woman, he realized that he already was a woman, but had been born with a man’s body.
This is the emotional minefield my family is navigating. We had to accept that although we always believed that my father was a man, he* has always been a woman. Even when he was in the armed forces, he was a woman. Even as he placed the ring on my mother’s finger and said the vows, he was a woman. Even as he helped conceive my sister and me, the good ol‘ fashioned way, he was a woman. Even in his work at our church, he was a woman. Even as he gives me away at my wedding, he will be a woman. He has always been a woman, so nothing about who he is will really change with the transition.
My mother had the hardest time of it when my father came out to her. She had been raised in a deeply religious Christian household, and had not left the religion of her childhood as so many do. However, unlike many devout Christians, she had not been raised to believe that homosexuality was an evil sin. She and her family believed that love is love, which is a gift of god regardless of your gender orientation.
It’s one thing to love your gay and lesbian friends else without judgment. It’s quite another to be suddenly faced with the fact that your long, loving marriage will become a lesbian relationship should you decide to stay.
I don’t know what went through my mother’s head in those first few months. I know she didn’t kick my dad out like he feared. I know that she decided to stay together, because she loved him more than anyone else in the world. I know she went to therapy for months to come to terms with the changes her husband was going through.
I also know that they still have a very happy, enthusiastic sex life. That does not involve a penis. I asked no more questions about this, because there are some things a girl just doesn’t need to know about her parents sex lives.
