I’m sure most families have stories about little Johnny and the tantrums he pitched when he was small. After all, children do sometimes pitch tantrums when they don’t get their way. Some children hold their breath until they turn blue. My uncle would beat his head against the wall; he turned out o.k., though.
What about when adults pitch tantrums? Some adults pitch tantrums even if they don’t hold their breath or beat their head against the wall. In my family, there were several family members with bad tempers.
Their “tantrums” took different paths. One would throw things and yell, but not necessarily at a particular individual. The trick was not to attract the person’s attention during those times!
Another’s person’s tantrums took the form of losing control and saying perfectly horrible things to people. She would calm down and walk off leaving her victims breathless with shock and hurt.
I was a child when I first encountered the tantrums of the people I described. I found the tantrums extremely frightening. I did occasionally attract the attention of the violent person at the wrong time. I was never hurt, but the fear stayed with me.
As for the woman who lost her temper and said horrible things, for which she never apologized, I could not forget some of the awful things she said about family members. I feared her rather than trusted her. Fear is not conducive to love.
My early experiences with the tempers of others made such a lasting impression that I was determined to never be like them in expressing my anger. I underwent therapy, took psychology courses and read self-help books in an attempt to learn a constructive way to express anger.
There are constructive ways to express anger, by the way. I have learned, not that I’m perfect at it, to not strike out at a person when I am angry. I do not wish to express my feelings until I have cooled off and considered the situation.
I have also learned to take responsibility in a situation for my own mistakes. Usually, in a situation where someone becomes angry, there is more than one person involved. Generally, neither person is totally innocent of provoking the situation.
One of the difficult things to learn is to address a problem situation before I’m at the exploding stage. I had a bad habit of being passive-aggressive. I would let annoying actions or comments, go by repeatedly without addressing them. Then, I would lose my temper and say things that made the situation worse.
Learning to be in touch with my feelings and to deal with difficult situations in a constructive manner took time and effort. However, the bad examples of handling anger that I had witnessed in my childhood helped to motivate me to change.
I found that having been frightened as a child had made a deep, lasting impression. Part of me is determined to protect myself and not be hurt again. When I am in a situation where people are hostile and yelling, the adrenaline starts rushing and the potential to fight back is there. In and of itself, the potential, is frightening.
So, for me, angry yelling scenes are to be avoided. I realize that some people thrive on controversy and arguing, but I’m not one of them. If situations must be discussed and resolved, I prefer that it be handled in a rational, calm manner.
Handling anger in a rational, calm manner takes me back to my title Tantrums: Childhood the Only Excuse. Children have temper tantrums because they have not had time or opportunity to learn to deal with anger and frustration in a constructive manner. They are out of their level of control.
Adults, on the other hand, have had their entire lives to learn to cope with anger and frustration in a constructive manner. This being the case, why do some adults act like children when they are angry or frustrated? Some adults act like children when they are angry or frustrated because it works for them.
