The first sound of encouragement a child hears, the first sound of approval that he or she always remembers, is the sound of applause. We clap at the first smile, the first step, and the first tooth. And we imprint that sound, that acknowledgment of accomplishment, onto the brains of our children forever.
Recently, I had the pleasure of being in the company of my stepson on a trip to Japan. We spent a lot of quiet time together and for the first time in our relationship, we had the opportunity to talk about issues and wishes. One subject we spoke about was the importance of “attaboy,” “good job,” and other similar expressions of earned recognition within the family unit. It is that discussion which prompted me to write this short essay.
It is hard to believe, but some people live all of their lives, waiting for someone to clap for them. Most will deny that they are looking for applause, but I can assure you it is a deep emotion, which we all cherish.
I have friends who still wonder why they didn’t receive such recognition from their own parents. Surely there must have been some moment when they deserved it. How very sad to be in your declining years and still waiting for the sound of a parental voice saying, “I am proud of you.”
I also believe that the root of most sibling rivalry is caused by the imbalance of the applause accorded to one child over others. I have seen it make its way into adult jealousy, which continues the cycle into the next generation.
The following expressions of disappointment and anger have been told to me by members of my own family and by dear friends as we reminisced about our lives.
None of these feelings were positive, and in each case the speaker was displaying sadness about the hurt they felt when they spoke of the particular referenced relationship.
“My sister continually undermines me.”
“My brother never compliments me.”
“My father told me I was no good.”
“My mother always liked my older brother better.”
“You were the favorite.”
For all of you out there who critique but hold back from clapping and acknowledging what is good about your children, take heed. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Encourage your children with praise for real accomplishments (too many “good jobs,” said off the cuff, dilute the real thing).
My father reminded me, that I still did things he did not approve of, at the time. I was sixty seven and he was 101. I was his sole caregiver and tended to him for many years. Yet, I was still his child and it bothered me that he could always find something to criticize in my demeanor. It bothered me even more that I still bought into it and took it to heart.
So pass the joy around. Don’t make it a contest as to which child is better or more deserving of your praise. The rewards are many. Your simple words of praise may be the stimulus for greater achievement, the wind beneath the wings of merit, the cohesiveness of family.
This is the time of year when so many will graduate, marry, and move on in their lives to another level of work and commitment. It is a time of going forward. How about adding a gentle push to make the journey easier. Show your appreciation for jobs well-done and decisions well-made. Go on and just do it. You will never regret this show of love and support.
