Ok, so here it is—I was a troubled teenager. I was destructive. I had fits of rage and I was just a mess. I didn’t run with boys but I was a runaway. I ran away from home because my mother was just so mean to me. My dad passed away and he abused us all.
My whole point in writing this is to let it out—let go of the idea that me and my mom will ever be able to sit in the same vicinity without feeling uncomfortable. I know she hates me and would rather see me dead; she thinks my kids would be better off with their dad, even though I know he really cannot take the responsibility of my son or daughter.
I have been unemployed for almost three months, and I haven’t asked for help from anyone—not even the government. I look at my mother and I see how she despises me and feel like I am a waste of time. She looks at me with this look as if I am just a speck of dirt on the ground.
This morning I walked past her and I felt her if she had a gun she would have shot me that’s how much she hates me. I feel like I am worthless. I don’t cook, I don’t clean. I pay all the bills and I don’t have enough money to pay rent, so I don’t. She put fake hair in my daughter’s hair because her hair is falling out.
I am stressed out completely. I am unhappy living here. My kids see it; I have to keep myself separated because I know she really hates me. I am just tired of waking up and feeling the anger pull at me. I feel like I am full of it and it’s because I am here and because this is her first house, she will be here. Yesterday, she told me to come get my son’s clothes out of her car. None of his clothes were in there but she said she would throw them in the trash when she cleans her car out. All that for what, really? To get a reaction out of me, so she can call the cops and say I am abusing my kids? Neglecting them? I should not have them because I beat them and keep them lock up? That is all lies. But she would say that.
She would be so convincing because as she says it, I get mad because it’s lies. She tells people about all the wrong but does not acknowledge the fact that I am a single mother out on disability and I have not asked her for anything. Even when she offered, I still said no because I know how badly she wants me to leave my kids behind, to just leave and never come back. And I have thought about it because I am not stable living in this hostile environment and leave my kids with their father. I really am considering it—going to court and giving him full custody so my kids can be happy and I can die and not hurt my kids in the process.
