I read somewhere recently, though I can’t recall where exactly, that women get married when they find the right guy, whereas men marry the woman they’re dating when they’re ready to settle down. I have no idea what men think, but, if true, it certainly would help explain why it’s not uncommon for the men in our past to resurface.
The last several guys I’ve dated were recycled. The flirts in between? Recycled too. One college friend is dating a former lover, another still hasn’t ended her phone sex (and occasionally real-life) affair with her college boyfriend, and yet another girlfriend was continually recycling one guy—she put him in the blue bag by the curb three times before finally dumping him for good (I hope).
In every case, the women I’m referring to are supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. And I’m not saying that because I’m talking about my friends. All are genuinely awesome. So why reach back into the past to recycle a relationship that’s already failed at least once? Why is it so hard to find a new, great guy?
In almost all of the instances of recycling that I know of, the initiative for getting back together was his. What motivates them to seek us out, often after many years? Have they given up on finding someone new, or has the time and distance from us, mixed in with a little more maturity, given them a new appreciation for how fabulous we really are?
What I’m most interested in knowing, though, is why we agree to give them another chance. Do we wonder if he was the great catch that got away? Or are we just settling because we’re afraid of being alone?
I think part of the explanation is simply that dating is hard. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out another person’s habits and quirks before you realize maybe your Prince Charming is a frog. It always feels like such a wasted investment when you do. Not just emotionally, but think about the countless hours you analyzed his every move with your girlfriends, all those outfits you tried on (and bought), the manicures, the romantic playlists you created on your iPod, the dinners you learned to cook, the time you pretended to like camping. All for what?
At first, getting back in the dating game feels exhilarating. So many cute boys to choose from! And if you sign up for one of those Internet dating sites, the winks and emails and possibilities really do seem endless. Until you realize it’s mainly a procession of frogs cluttering your inbox. Delete, delete, delete.
So when a former lover enters stage left (saying all of the right things, of course, because he already knows what buttons to push), you begin to wonder if the old frog might be Prince Charming after all. Maybe your timing was off. Ah, yes. Timing.
Sure, sometimes your timing really is off and couples can make it work a second time around. But that usually happens after one or both have completed some major life task or reckoning. In the absence of such an event or experience, chances are good you’ll just run into the same speed bumps. You know this. Your friends tell you this. You think about it for three seconds and (almost always) decide it’s worth a try anyway. Things are desperate out there.
You convince yourself that this time will be different. You’ve both learned from your mistakes, right? This time it will be all that you dreamed it could be the first time around. And how great is it that he already knows what you look like in the morning?
Inevitably, the descent into old habits begins quickly. But companionship is a powerful drug that we don’t withdraw from easily. You master the art of “the overlook,” telling yourself to give it time. You want kids and someone to take out the garbage and shovel the driveway when it snows. Plus, if things work out you’ll finally get to send out one of those holiday photo postcards like your married friends have been doing for years. Sweet!
So we recycle and hope for the best. It seems so much easier than starting from scratch. He may be frog-like but at least we know where his warts are.