Dear Dr. Romance:
I am in a new relationship; we have been dating for a few months. I haven’t dated for a couple of years on the advice of my therapist. I met a really nice guy on an online dating service, which was totally out of character. He is a really nice guy (thank God). He lives in a different state, so of course I flew up to meet in him (which was also out of character at the time); I did not want to be an eighty-year-old woman and wish I had flown up to meet this guy and didn’t. I have lived at home all my life even until the day I was married. That marriage lasted only four months, and I am divorced now.
I have been hurt by every guy I have dated. They have either cheated on me, physically abused me, mentally abused me, or verbally abused me. So, no, I don’t trust men. That is why I have not dated for almost three years. The guy I am currently dating is the nicest, sweetest, most caring, and loving person I have ever met. He also respects me and I know that he loves me, but he has been alone for almost twenty-three years, and he is five years older than I am.
There is one thing that he does that I have a hard time dealing with: he has some girls that he says are just his friends that he talks with via cell, text messages, and every other form of communication you can think of. He seems to be sneaky about it. If I say anything he gets all mad and thinks I’m trying to control who he talks to. But if my ex-husband were to call, I know that he would be hurt. I have lost all contacts with all my guy friends because I did not want there to be a problem. I was going into this relationship with no one who could hurt my future relationship because I love this guy very much and my relationship is important to me. I guess I just don’t trust him. I check his phone sometimes. I just don’t want to get hurt again. He knows that I have been in bad relationships and what has happened.
Please help me find the right solution so I can deal with this the right way. I want him to feel like he can talk to anyone. I am not a jealous person; I just don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t trust women and their motives. All of my so-called girlfriends ended up in bed with my boyfriends. So do you see that trust is a very big issue for me and I do not want this guy to pay for what someone else did to me. I really need your help!
Dear Reader:
I’m glad you found a nice guy, but I think you are right to be worried. You should not give up all your friends for any relationship—it’s a very bad thing for your self-esteem and makes you look weak to your boyfriend. I hope you are still seeing your therapist. Your relationship needs to be fair and equal, open and honest to be real. I don’t think he’s taking you very seriously. Please read the following articles:
- “Asking for What You Want”
- “Guidelines for Successful Dating”
- “How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship”
- “The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds”
- “Setting Boundaries and Saying No”
You can also find help in The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. It will teach you how to keep yourself safe while you’re dating.
