I was in the bookstore today to do some research and some writing.
I went in search of books about dating and relationships. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but since that’s what I write about, I figure it’s a good idea to see what’s out there every now and then.
Although I’m sure this has always been the case, I was astonished at how many books are about snagging the perfect guy. My goodness. Do this, don’t do that, don’t you dare fall for that. Play hard to get (unanimous). One even promised to help find the right guy in ninety minutes.
It takes me longer to do a load of laundry.
No wonder dating is so hard. We’re treating one of our most foundational relationships like a sport. Why don’t we just stage dinner dates in a ring and sell tickets while we’re at it?
I’m sure some of these books are intended to be helpful. I’ll be the first to admit that this shit can be hard to figure out. Men and women do think, act, feel, and signal differently and it really would be a shame for a relationship to fizzle before it got off the ground because of a simple, probably stupid, misunderstanding. And broken hearts can be hard to heal. Sometimes you need a few words of encouragement.
Nevertheless, I can’t help but question the logic and the ethics of intentionally manipulating people and situations for our own personal gain. Isn’t this what we’re really doing when we “play by the rules”? Doesn’t it sabotage our efforts to have healthy, satisfying relationships, whether they’re of the everlasting kind or not, in the long run? It seems doubtful that you can treat dating like a game, which we play for fun, and simultaneously expect him to take you seriously.
I also have to wonder why only the girls have rules. As far as I can tell, the guys can do what they want and we’re supposed to adjust. Although I was sharing the aisle with two guys, they were looking at books on how to have better sex, not better relationships. I didn’t see a single book on the shelves that was written for a man wanting to understand and woo a woman. If the playing field isn’t level then why even play the game?
One of my girlfriends would disagree loudly with me. She says that whenever she’s violated one of the so-called rules it’s come back to bite her. That’s just how guys are, she says. That’s when I like to remind her that she’s still single in her early forties so how well are the rules working out for her, really?
Most of us are going to fall in and out of like and love several times before we settle into something significant (if we ever do). I’m single too and I suppose there’s an argument to be made that my approach doesn’t work either.
But the difference, and it’s one I’m beginning to appreciate more and more, is that I’m staying true to myself and giving him a chance to do the same. We all have different ways of communicating, different baggage that we’re carrying around or trying to toss and occupy different emotional spaces. It seems unfair, naïve, and a bit dumb to me to reduce an entire gender to a few simplistic formulations. If we feel like our life’s incomplete without a great love (as awesome as that is) then maybe the problem’s not the lack of a guy but our own sense of self-worth.
To be honest, I don’t think the reason my relationships haven’t worked out in the long run is because I’m not following the rules but because he wasn’t the right guy at the right time. I suppose time will tell.
