I met a guy recently whose opening line was something like this: “You want to buy me a beer?”
Me: “Umm, let me think about it ... no. Thank you.”
He persisted and I resisted. “It’s 2010,” he said.
I don’t care if it’s 3010. If a guy’s interested in you, it’s up to him to pay his way to your heart.
I realize that’s a controversial thing to say, and I don’t mean it to sound so shallow. But the early stages of dating are shallow. Would you go out with a guy you just met without makeup and wearing sweat pants? No, you wouldn’t, because you’d be afraid you wouldn’t hear from him again. And you’d be right.
There are a limited number of ways to gauge a man’s interest in dating you, particularly early on, and they almost all require him to fork over some dough. If you let him off the hook and start splitting the bill or even picking up his half, you could end up with a false sense of how he really feels about you. Not to mention that you’re ruining it for the rest of us.
Is it a hard and fast rule? No. But it’s true enough most of the time.
He can send thoughtful texts, but you really have no way to know if he’s sending them to other girls too. Ask Tiger’s ex-wife. Calling earns points because it’s also an investment of time.
But all of his other I’m into you options involve spending his hard earned money: flowers, dinner, drinks, movie, or a romantic getaway.
As far as I’m concerned, men have done this to themselves because, generally speaking, they’re too lazy to put in the effort to demonstrate they like us in other (less expensive or free) ways.
But I’m not sure it’s a bad thing they have to pony up some cash. We do. A lot of it. And our spending isn’t as quick and easy as “Waiter, can I have the check please?”
Despite initial appearances to the contrary, letting him pay for the night out really is about equality in the relationship. Most women invest a lot of time, money, effort, and pain getting ready for a date. Hair, facials, mani/pedis, shaving, waxing, face cream, makeup, and trying on outfit after outfit that you then have to accessorize.
I once brought three different outfits over to a friend’s house to ask a group of my girlfriends what to wear on a date later that night. I don’t think even a gay man would do that. So I will not feel guilty about getting a free burrito.
I don’t mean to suggest that affection can be bought. But we all know guys jump in the shower, towel off, throw on a pair of jeans, a shirt, shoes, and head out the door. If we’re expected to pay half, it feels like the scales tilt too far in one direction. It makes me feel like I’m putting in more effort than he is, which makes me feel like I’m more interested than he is, which makes me not want to go out with him again.
It’s either a bikini wax or his beers. I will not pay out of both pockets.
The men over thirty-five whom I’ve dated seem to realize this. The ones under, not so much. I have no idea why things have changed.
The most obvious explanation is that as women become more professionally accomplished and “equal” in the office, and the more traditional gender roles blur out of the office too.
In a Washington Post question and answer piece, Dr. Ruth, who’s from a generation that should know better, said couples should split the bill. Another woman from a local dating service said the guys should pay the first time, leaving the door open for another arrangement on date number two. Another “dating expert” said she wouldn’t mind picking up the dinner tab and asking him to buy her an ice cream in return. What?
