Online dating. Well, the first thing you have to do is create the profile. Easy enough—for women. Men apparently have a tough time with this though. The best luck I had was with this one guy, who just said, “Oh hell, just write to me. That way I won’t tell you anything you don’t want to know.” He had no picture and only the bare minimum of information about himself. I was instantly attracted to him. Here is why:
1. The Shirtless Wonders: Now these guys think that a bare torso is the way to go (it’s not). They have pictures of themselves lounging around, grinning, or in the kitchen, presumably whipping up a tasty meal for their dates, shirtless. I fly by these profiles so fast I get whiplash.
2. The Masters of the Sea: Well apparently they are all sea dogs, masters of the perfect storm, sea-bass catchers, all of them, posing at the helm, ready for a sea adventure, I guess. Come on little lady, let’s sail the high seas! You can be my first mate! (Yuk, yuk). Well, blimey. I get seasick just looking at these. I don’t know why. I just do. I am not leaving the dock with you.
3. The Rebels: Motorcycles. Do all forty to fifty-somethings own bikes? You would think they all do, judging from the pictures. In this what I call Rebel Without a Cause scenario, I guess I am supposed to hop on board and let the wind fly through my hair as we let the road be our guide. Who needs a map?! You’re with me baby! Oh god. I’m not saying I wouldn’t like a ride maybe, but ... No. I get that you are a hip fifty-year-old with a bad-guy thing going on but ... No.
4. Captains of Industry: “FilthyRichGuy.” That was his profile name. There are quite a few of these. They have all made loads of cash and they cannot wait to spend it on me (or whomever responds). They are simply rolling in it and they cannot wait to show you how much they have. It is going to be a blast, so get in line women—it’s first come, first serve over here. Take a number and wait your turn. Pass.
5. The Chatters: These guys love to immediately open the chat window, which quite frankly scares the shit out of me. I had one guy open one up and it was a video chat on his end—so I could see him (unfortunately) but he could not see me. That didn’t matter; all he wanted to do was talk while he “expressed himself.” I actually sprained my hand trying to close the window. My profile was deleted in record time. Some guys get a thrill out of scaring women. Fun times for all. I slam shut the chat boxes as soon as they open up. Then they write to me and say, “SO! You don’t want to talk to me!?”
Um ... No. Not so much.
6. Lonely Foreign Dignitaries: English is a problem for these snappy dressers. My favorite, “You beautiful women.” (Well, we’re all very flattered over here.) He followed that up with “You lovely women go for date.” Yes, yes, we all have dates. Try back some other time when it is not our busy season. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make fun of the ESL crowd, but, it is really my only requirement—English, to be able to speak it. I’m not that particular, honestly.
7. Guidos: More commonly known as the steroid abusers. These guys are almost always shirtless or at least sleeveless, and they are bulging—but in a scary kind of way. One email seemed nice enough, but when I went to his profile I nearly jumped out of my skin. A shirtless bald guy with a firefighter’s hat on (I believe he was in the station) with a fire hose as a prop. I am still having nightmares.
