We live in a fast-paced world. When this fast pace and instant-results attitude is applied to romance and partnerships, people often find themselves hurt and disappointed. It is possible to change our habits of hurriedness. It is possible to date without getting hurt. If couples would slow down the pace in early romance, I believe they would make better long-term choices. It all starts with revising the notion of “dating.”
Over and over again, in my practice as a psychologist, I see men and women approach relationships with a hurriedness. They jump immediately from meeting someone to being in a relationship, skipping the dating phase of relationships altogether. My client, Kathy, for example, recently met a man as she was moving into a new apartment. He helped her carry her boxes upstairs and in less than a week she had a new boyfriend and lover. Several weeks later Kathy was lamenting how she had partnered, once again, with an unemployed alcoholic. Jumping quickly into a relationship is not unusual, in fact it is seen as normal. However, normal—in the sense of common practice—does not equal healthy and sustainable. All too often people move much too quickly in romance, leaving them vulnerable to having their hearts torn apart by missing important information in the early stages of romantic exploration.
Dating vs. Being in a Relationship
There are several factors associated with healthy dating that distinguish it from “being in a relationship.” The dating phase is open and unlimited. You can date whomever they want and as many people as you want. You are not bound by loyalty or commitment in this phase. This openness is precisely what makes this phase so powerful and effective. There is no need to attend to the expectations of another nor to adjust or change to fit another’s needs or agenda. You have the freedom to be yourself and the opportunity to be fully seen. It doesn’t mean that you’re not on your best behavior but that this behavior isn’t encumbered by the demands and expectations of a more serious relationship. It is important to communicate when you are in the dating phase, and to clarify the ground rules of dating, so that others know what to expect.
Julie and Kyle are sophomores in college. They had been dating for several weeks when Julie discovered Kyle had invited another woman to a school social function. Julie was stung by this, since she had hoped to go to the same event with Kyle. Knowing she had no claim on Kyle’s time or decisions, Julie asked her friend Paul to the same event. When Kyle found this out he suggested they all go together. The four of them spent the evening talking, laughing and having a great time. Julie was able to spend time with Kyle and Kyle was able to see Julie as both flexible and confident.
In reviving the notion of dating, I encourage you to explore potential partners without jumping into any form of exclusive commitment. Dating is a time of curiosity and adventure. There is no pressure to choose or decide about anything. Dating encourages you to experiment and reflect, inviting you to inquire about your internal experience as you interact with a wide range of different people. This kind of exploration and play helps you look at what you like and don’t like, what you value, prefer, and can or can’t tolerate. Moving too quickly into romance limits your ability to explore and experiment. Moving rapidly also sets you up for increased heart-ache if you decide to end the relationship. If it were understood that dating didn’t come with any guarantees or expectations, other than honest curiosity, then disengaging might be less painful.
Dating Does Not Include Sex
The most important distinction, and possibly the most challenging aspect given our current culture, is that dating, as defined here, does not include sexual engagement. Keeping sex out of the picture keeps hearts untethered and free. Once sex is in play, it is human nature to desire assurance that your partner will stick around and act responsibly. Our biological programming necessitates this assurance. Some researchers explain this bonding as resulting from the effect sex has on the limbic system in the brain. Daniel Amen, MD, describes it this way:
