I continue to be surprised by how picky many of my clients and friends are when it comes to envisioning their “ideal match.” Women almost universally say height is a major requirement—ideally 6’0” and up. Men on the other hand seem to always want physically fit and younger. I have female clients who parade into my office and since they are independent, stylish, and successful assume they are the equivalent of “Heidi Klum” or male clients who assume because they work out with a personal trainer and have a large bank account they are the Silicon Valley equivalent of “Brad Pitt.” Since they develop sometimes lofty senses of who they are, these inflated egos carry over into selecting mates for marriage, which in return equates to unrealistic demands and criteria. It is kind of a vicious circle and finding love in the end can be difficult, as compared to my clients who open their heart and mind to meeting a wider range of people who perhaps they once overlooked because they were being pickier than they should be.
Something that I have explained to clients and friends ad nauseam, is that certainly looks, pedigree, and success are important for many of us high caliber professional types but those merits are not everything when it comes to finding “the one.” When I was younger, I used to think that the chiseled and tan looking guy with the Ivy League degree, flashy car, and Goldman Sachs account were the most important criteria as I began to navigate my way around the San Francisco Bay Area searching for “my match.” Sure, the cars were fast, the A list VIP tables at restaurants were always welcome, and the good looks did not hurt.
Yet, these guys I dated that eventually became boyfriends seemed to lack a deep core and certainly did not have the emotional intelligence I needed for marriage. I found myself repeatedly anchoring onto these criteria. They seemed to be more focused on relishing in their fraternity days and the next big IPO than having intellectual discussions and being able to relate to one another on a deeper level. It’s not that I was looking for my American Nietzsche, yet someone with some intuition, depth, and character. Someone who could communicate, be open, honest, true, loving, have self respect, and respect for those around him. Someone I found sexy but where sexy was not everything.
After those relationships of mine eventually failed, through self work and some introspection, I began to look beyond those seemingly superficial barriers and cast a “wide net” in the selection process. I asked myself some hard questions and thought really seriously about these superficial things that I once held onto so closely. Perhaps I had been too picky (as well as really superficial) and eliminated some great guys in the process. I asked myself, is the new car really that important in selecting a mate for marriage? Was his family’s second wine country home truly that necessary? Was his $500K salary everything to me? My answer was “no.” These surface merits were certainly nice and could lead to a lovely lifestyle but would I truly be happy in a marriage with a man like this? Maybe he would be a crappy husband, a poor father, hurt me, or hurt our marriage, because we simply did not have that deeper bond from the get-go.
Instead of analyzing my past relationships, I want to help you all see the good in many men or women you might over look. These men and women are all around you and often looking for their ideal mates. Sometimes they are shy, so they are not that total extrovert you usually seem to gravitate towards. Sometimes they are in between jobs but that doesn’t mean they aren’t looking and going to eventually find a good job.
