I had been out of the dating circuit for quite sometime, I never wanted to re-enter this arena. Yeah, I said arena, to me it is like a three ringed circus, I am usually in a clown suit at the end of the show with pie on my face smiling, and that tear drop painted on under my eye all too real.
I am recently separated, filing for divorce. Now, I can hear ya all talking, what is she doing going after men right out of the gate? I will tell you straight up girls, I spent five years … long years, dog years with a man that would rather be with his buddies, family, smelly elk with big racks rather than his wife and son. Wife’s rack not big enough apparently, nor as enticing as bull elk rack.
So, after being alone with my thoughts, and tired of neglect and abandonment, I sought out the company of male companions, possible partners in a real relationship that consisted of talking, walking, loving concern. I met a man that was attractive and I thought filled the emptiness, and lonely life I had known with friendship, real caring, and listened to me when I spoke. I found him so utterly irresistible, he was the refreshing drink of water to a vast and lifeless desert taking over my spirit, my reaction to him was total opening and trusting. I know, I know here we go again you say, she knows him how long? I knew him one month. One month is nothing in time as compared to years with someone however, years with the wrong someone makes it easy to fall prey to a con, a player.
I wanted to hear those things he had to say, your smart, your beautiful, an attractive woman like you deserves more blah, blah, blah. Tell me that you don’t like to hear how wonderful, and beautiful you are as you look into a new mans eyes and he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close. Your body betrays you with its need to be held, the shaking of your form, the quaking in your voice. I wanted to be stronger, wanted to but couldn't. I let myself get caught up in the moments with him close, holding my hand, holding my waist, kissing my lips. I told him everything, about myself, my fears, likes, dislikes. I told him worst of all how much he meant to me already, making me feel comfortable and loved. I was falling in love with this man. I wished I could say different, I wish I could turn the clock back and not have said many of the things I allowed myself to say to this perceived “lover” and “friend.” I wanted nothing more than to be honest and open and for him to feel the same, share his self with me.
We decided to give ourselves to one another on our last date, it was the first time I had had an orgasm
with the first time sex of a lover. It was so intense we both felt like heaven and earth moved above and under us. We were blown back at the whole experience being so perfect and highly unusual to couples just getting into this area with physical awkwardness being expected and braced for. This wasn’t the case. Soon he began to feel different his time was to pinched for visits until well, he just didn’t know, how he was to make time for me.
In actions he began backing away. The cell phone he carried would ring after a few hours, or he had a scheduled place to be at an inconvenient time for us two. He would have to “pick his child up from mom’s”, “get ready for a week trip out of town”, go somewhere else real soon after he arrived on our date. I just took it as a busy, divorced man with an active teen, on the go. Or was it? I am not sure to this day; I give him the benefit of the doubt. I couldn’t prove that it was not a coincidence he had reopened his online dating account, that he felt other things, people had to take precedence over any sort of affair of the heart or physical body. I couldn’t prove that the only two times we had been physically in the same room, he had to soon be on his way home to pack for out of town trip, on both occasions.
I soon felt the abandonment, and pain that comes with a short-lived affair, I had forgotten the whole “rules of engagement” and disengagement. I called him, unhappy and lonely, confused and sad, interupted, pissed off at heart wrenching, leaving me behind, last act of the love scene or scenario. I just wished I hadn’t been so open, honest, and so close to falling in love ... I broke the rules of affair etiquette, I forgot to hold back, not care … I forgot how to lie.
