Last New Year’s Eve, I was dating Swedish Fish. The year ahead looked hopeful, promising. For once, I had a boyfriend on New Year’s Eve. Meanwhile one of my friends was recovering from a break-up. She’s a serial dater and rarely goes more than a month or two between men. She’s had a couple long-term relationships but more of the “couple months, then fizzle out” types of relationships. She dates for the sake of dating. She’s afraid to be alone.
When her relationships end, she suffers. She cries. She berates herself. She berates him. She gets angry and then she gets even by rebounding. Fast.
A few days before New Year’s Eve, we had a long chat. Through her sobs and rants, she asked me “How did you do it? How did you meet Swedish Fish?”
I could have told her it was dumb luck. Instead, I told her a few hard truths that would require her to change, to do what she refused to do: spend time alone.
I’ve spent a lot of time not in a relationship. I keep busy. I volunteer. I travel. I take classes. I have interests and hobbies. I try new things. I read. I spend time with my family.
It’s personal evolution, no big deal, happens to everyone. But I pay attention to it. The men I wanted to date—my ideal guys—five years ago are far from my ideal now. I take a running inventory of myself and try to change the things I don’t like and cultivate the things I do like. I have a few consistent Big Things, lifetime “goals” about the sort of person I am and who I want to be. An occasional inventory check helps keep that in perspective and gives me a strong sense of myself. I falter in a lot of ways but I have self respect because I’m true to myself.
When I go on dates, I learn from them. Even bad dates teach me something useful. Positive and negative are useful as long as you pay attention and remember what you liked, or didn’t like, when you meet new dates.
By knowing myself and what traits in men evoke positive responses, I know a “right” one when I meet him. The “wrong” ones have big neon arrows saying, “Stay away.” Why? Because I have a strong sense of myself. There’s nothing wrong (usually) with the “wrong” men; they’re just not right for me at that point in my personal evolution.
I hear you say, “That’s all very zen and enlightened, but if you’re constantly changing what you want in a man and relationship you’re never going to have a long term relationship.”
Maybe. Maybe that’s why I’m single. But I think it has more to do with timing. Meeting the right person at the right time, when your personal evolutions are in synch with each other.
It’s also about winnowing down the traits. Basing a relationship on a specific commonality like a particular band or sport will lead nowhere. Using music as an example, is it enough to find someone who likes music in general? It’s a good start. But sort out why you like music and what types of music you like. Not specific bands—dig deeper. What does music make you feel, what does it inspire, what sort of bands or lyrics move you or speak to you? Dig. What you’ll find are key elements about who you are. And those elements are useful in forming a picture of traits of a person who is suited to you. Not a carbon match of your traits, a good compliment to your traits. But you have to know yourself, first.
Dig down to the roots and open your mind to possibilities that could sprout from those roots. So what if the new person you meet doesn’t share your enthusiasm for a particular band or sport or politician. What do they like? Are the roots similar? Ta dah. No? Move on.
