Having an ex around can be tricky at any time, but is especially so when one or both of you has a new love. I truly and honestly believe that it is possible to be friends with an ex. Going further, I believe that it’s possible for your significant other to a) not be threatened, and b) call your ex a friend, also. The key to it all ... is your actions. It doesn’t have to be an ex. It could simply be a friend, someone who had a crush on you … anyone of the opposite sex (or same sex), can detract from your relationship if you let him/her.
I’ve had boyfriends handle this situation really well (I learned a thing or two), and I’ve had them really stink it up and throw me to wolves. I’ve written this because I feel like I’ve finally mastered the concept well enough to spread my knowledge to others.
Before you waste your time reading this, ask yourself:
1. Are my ex and I truly friends?
- We haven’t had sexual relations (not even a drunk makeout) in a while (you decide what a “while” is).
- No feelings, positive or negative, are remaining from the relationship. We have said all of our apologies, and/or are completely over all issues from our relationship.
- I care about this person just as much/little as any other friend.
- We talk and act the same toward each other, whether I’m in a relationship or not.
- I am very comfortable with my ex and my significant other being in the same room.
2. Am I ready to be in a mature, committed relationship?
3. Do I truly care about my significant other’s feelings?
- If my significant other told me that something about my ex is bothering him/her, will I actually care and try to do something to fix the problem?
If you cannot answer YES to any of these questions, then you might consider ending your current relationship. What’s the point?
If you answered NO to question #1, but YES to 2 and 3, then the ex/friend situation will NEVER work with your new relationship.* My best advice is to try to talk things through with the ex—explain to ex/friend that you’ve met someone, and it is imperative that your past relationship doesn’t cause problems. If the ex/friend is anything but understanding and supportive, you need to discontinue talking to this person until he/she can be understanding and supportive of your new relationship. Keep an eye on the situation. If you notice ex/friend being anything but kind and friendly to your significant other, you need to have the chat again.
*The few outliers that could make this situation work are not statistically significant.
If you’re in a relationship, and you’re feeling uncomfortable about your significant other (SO)’s friend, here are some things to think about:
- Are you a stable person with good self-esteem, quality friendships, and a non-jealous disposition?
- If you don’t have good self-esteem, EVERYONE will seem like a threat to your relationship.
- If you have jealous feelings often, you are probably with the wrong person. The right person will make you feel secure and comfortable the majority of the time.
You have a new love, and your ex is in the picture. DO:
- Introduce them IMMEDIATELY after the relationship has been established as exclusive (or before).
- Give the two something to talk about. “Sam used to live in D.C., too; in what part of town did you live, James?”
- Listen to your significant other (SO). If something is bothering them about the situation, try to work something out.
- Watch your ex for signs of “cattiness” or jealousy.
- Ask your ex to back off if he/she is making your SO uncomfortable (if you think it’s necessary). If your ex is a true friend, it shouldn’t be a problem. Brownie points for doing so without SO asking.
DON’T:
- Hang out with the ex alone before they have been introduced.
