When I divorced my kids were ages three and six ... and I was in no hurry to make my life more complicated. My kids have always been and will always be my first priority.
I didn’t date for four years after the divorce, and then it wasn’t until the year they asked for “a real dad” for Christmas. Because I worked insane hours and dealt mostly with sick people (it was my job) I resorted to the Internet. Yeah ... that was embarrassing to admit. BUT ... I learned a lot from my “online dating fiascos” and I will gladly give you some BIG POINTERS.
1. If someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. Sign up for a background checking service because you will need it. There are some really scary people out there. I dated MANY of them once ... but not twice. Check them all out, not just the suspicious ones. You will be shocked at what you’ll find on the one you least expected to have some really nasty history.
2. Make a list, two lists, one list of things you absolutely will not tolerate, and another of what you are looking for in a mate. Someone that is as serious as you are about meeting someone will also have those lists and will share them. If you find someone without a list you need to ask yourself why they don’t. Keep those lists handy and check them often to remind yourself what you really want—not what you will settle for. Nobody is the perfect mate, but falling for the one that just happens to be convenient is bad. BAD.
3. You meet ... it seems so perfect that you do a happy dance after he leaves. Maybe he IS the one ... BUT wait. That is right I said, “WAIT!” There is a saying that something worthwhile requires time and that is true. Every single guy that pushed ... PUSHED for a commitment, starting questioning about who has been calling me as he goes through the received messages on my cell phone ... and yes ... PUSHING to get married right away ... WAIT. The harder someone pushes for that commitment—the more likely he is hiding something. AND YES he was hiding HUGE bad things.
4. What is his story? In all previous relationships, if every time it was “not his fault,” it means he has never taken responsibility for anything so watch out. A real man that is honest will admit he has screwed up—we all have. If he can’t then there is a problem there somewhere and you don’t need to waste your precious time helping him find it.
5. Prenupt: they are a protection for BOTH of you. If you have any assets at all, even if you feel they are small—you need to protect them. Separate checking and separate credits cards is a good idea even after you are married. Let some time flow between you before you get joint accounts. What is the rush? It isn’t as though you’ll get a discount for being married. You never know, his credit history may crush yours.
6. How does he feel about his ex? Are they still friends? It is actually good if they are still friends. Think about it. Any boyfriend you have ever had—if you are still friends with them isn’t that better than the ones you cannot ever face again? On another note, if his ex is ALL he can talk about then he isn’t over her so don’t waste your time.
7. Be realistic. Stick to your guns about how far away is too far away to build a relationship. Not just because farther away is difficult, but it is also easier for someone to deceive you from afar. You can’t really see him in his real element if he is that far away. People on the Internet frequently misrepresent themselves especially when it is less likely you may see them anytime soon.
