Yahoo Personals asked 200 men to give them insight on why men cheat and the answers are not for better looking models of the woman they have. After years of getting into people’s love life through their hands, I support the conclusions they stated—the perfect body, or even a better body was not the issue. Instead, the men wanted a new view of themselves in their lover’s eyes.
We all want to be seen as our best self. We already are painfully aware of our limitations, what we need reminding of is how those flaws fit into a total picture. When we first see ourselves as flawed but lovable, the odds improve we can extend that viewpoint to our significant other. When we focus primarily on our own flaws, it becomes staggeringly easy to focus on the same in those around us—just to make us feel better about our own shortcomings. Men want to be seen with fresh eyes, as less flawed and more desirable. Don’t we all? Not that cheating is the answer to the ego dip long-term relationships can put you in, by any means. But what about re-framing that viewpoint that makes you both unhappy!
The place to begin to limiting the chance of major dissatisfaction is with your own reflection. List your attributes; list the compliments you have received that really stuck with you. Remember how good it felt to be seen in that light. Remember the same for the man in your life. Then pass this view on to him. List out the reasons you fell in love. List out the moments when he has been your hero or showed up for you when you wanted or needed him to be there. Be sure when you look at them, you see them in view of the whole list. Attributes and flaws together paint a deeper, more complete picture. Start running through that list when you brush your teeth. First for yourself, then for your partner. I call it toothbrush love, and recommend you try it at least once a day, but preferable after every meal!
If you can’t get a decent list going, well, that’s another blog. But try seeing your best self, which includes those body parts that may not live up to your standards in a well lit, 3D, mental mirror. Imagine standing next to an eighty-year-old who might trade years for the thighs you despise and she would give them a little love. See all of you and say it out loud, read that list and pay yourself the compliments you cherish. From this point of view see your lover and let him hear and see it from the woman who knows him and loves him—rather than a stranger two cubicles over from him at work.
Instead of looking for the “right” man, become the “right” woman by being wise and kind about all your human elements. You will feel better about yourself and he can join the effort, particularly when it spills over onto him. Practice having soft eyes when you see yourself and others. Take a free four minute online personality quiz and discover or rediscover some of the best of you. See you in the bathroom mirror!
