Well, Valentine’s Day is coming up and if you are like me you have no idea what to get your imaginary girlfriend. Here is an idea; why not imitate the most desirable man on earth and give her something he would give? “Great idea, but who is this guy? He seems unreal.” Guess what? He is! According to every girl I have talked to who has read the Twilight series, Edward Cullen, a fictional vampire, is the most romantic, sexy, and attractive man they know. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I have never read the books or seen the movies how can I be like Edward if I know nothing about him?” Don’t worry four hours ago I was just like you, I did not know a thing about Twilight, but I have just watched both movies back to back and I become the most romantic non-vampire in America. I practically have a PhD in romance now and am ready to indulge you with my “expert” advice.
For those of you who are not familiar with the story, Edward Cullen is a kid from the Harry Potter movies who is bitten by a vampire named Lord Voldemort and then moves to Forks, Washington where he is adopted by a vampire family. He later falls in love with a human girl named Bella Swan, who moved to Washington to live with her father because she got kicked out of Arizona for being too pale. “Sounds great, so what now? Should I cover my body with glitter and always walk in slow motion.” Ha ha! No, don’t be ridiculous, but you will need to get a crowbar.
Break in to her house and watch her sleep
This is a cute romantic gift you can give at any point in the relationship especially if it’s just starting. Can’t take your eyes off your newest crush? Here is an idea, break into her house and watch her sleep. Edward Cullen does this right after he meets Bella. He sneaks into her room, stands right next to her bed and just stares at her for hours, it is so romantic. He does this not just for a few minutes, but for 8 hours every night for months and months. See this is where normal perverts and voyeuristic weirdoes get this wrong, they only watch girls sleep for about an hour and maybe once or twice, what total freaks! That’s not romance, where’s the dedication? Edward stares at Bella like it’s his full time job and he’s putting in over time with fifty-six hours of intent ogling a week. Don’t ask me why seventeen-year-old girls love it when 108-year-old men break into their homes and watch them sleep all night, they just, do. Her gift comes months later, when Edward tells her he has been watching her all night for weeks on end. Bella thinks this is sweet and leaves the window open for him later. Personally, I think this is really creepy, but I can’t argue with the fan base, twilight girls love century old voyeuristic home invaders who like to stare at underage girls.
Give her the gift of insanity
Do this for me, pour a bowl of freezing icy cold water and then pour a bowl of relaxing warm water. Now stick your hand in the cold almost frozen ice water do this until it is absolutely unbearable to keep it there then, leave it there for another minute. Now pull your hand out and place it in the bowl of warm water. Do you feel that? Do you feel how relaxing and amazing the warm water feels on your frostbitten hand? The painful ice makes the water seem so much more amazing than it really is. This boring, ordinary bowl of warm water feels like a miracle cure and the greatest thing you have ever encountered in your life doesn’t it? Now put your hand back in the sub-zero glacier water and repeat the process until you are insane and all that you crave is the warm water. What’s that you say? You hate this? That’s weird, because Bella Swan loves it. Edward Cullen is the maximum definition of what it means to be bipolar. He plays this game of hot and cold with her which only makes her fall more and more in love with him. When he first meets her he acts as if everything about her completely repulses him. He even attempts to change his class schedule so he will never have to see her again.
