At my workplace, we have what’s called a “leveling tool.” It’s basically a document that describes the responsibilities associated with each job level. The tool is used to help determine if a promotion is in order. As I re-entered the confusing world of dating after the breakup of my 20-year marriage, I wished I had such a tool that would help navigate me through the uncharted territory upon which I was embarking. How would I know when I was ready to move to the next level, and would my progression match that of my new boyfriend?
I use the term “boyfriend” loosely. First of all, there’s the age factor. Surely there must be a more sophisticated word that can be used once you reach middle-age. “Gentleman caller” and “beau”, though romantic, sound too Victorian. “Lover” is too personal for my taste. And none of these titles is entirely appropriate until you and the object of your affection have established exactly where you are in the relationship. I’ve dated the same man for a year and a half. We have a monogamous relationship. Yet, use of the word “boyfriend” is practically as taboo as bringing up the dreaded L-word. Perhaps it implies more commitment than my male friend is ready to accept.
The early infatuation days of our relationship were blissfully happy for me as I was rescued from the emotional rejection I’d felt from my divorce. I was as excited as a love struck schoolgirl. A few months later, however, I noticed the reluctance of my boyfriend (yes, I’ll go ahead and call him that…he’ll probably never read this, anyway) to progress up the commitment ladder. Being a typical male, “relationship talk” was something he conveniently avoided. I decided to make it easy for him by creating a relationship leveling tool. With such a tool in hand he would simply have to inform me of his current level and whether he’d be trying for any “promotions” in the foreseeable future.
Let me explain something about the leveling tool I’m about to disclose. Every person is different and what might seem like a major step for one person might not be such a big deal for someone else. Sex is probably the biggest example of this. For some people, sex is in no way a statement of commitment. Others feel sex should be saved for marriage. Most of us are somewhere in between depending on a myriad of circumstances. So although I originally created the Commitment Leveling Tool with the best of intentions, I’ve come to realize that my interpretation of what constitutes commitment and how it should progress is very personal and unique. When I originally authored this tool I had about 20 levels including such trivialities as “Not embarrassed to fart in front of one another.” However, I’ve narrowed it down to what I think of as the 10 primary levels.
Commitment Leveling Tool
- Flirt and hope for a positive reaction
- First date
- Kissing and progressively more
- Decide you want to date exclusively
- Sex!!!
- Introduce your friends, families, and kids
- Say 'I Love You'
- Go on vacation together
- Talk about a future together
- Get married.
I was quite pleased with our progression up to Level 5. However, once there, we seemed to be in a holding pattern. I was certainly more than ready for Level 6. In fact, I had talked to my friends, families, and kids about my infatuation way back at Level 1. Why was this so difficult for my so-called boyfriend? When I showed him the leveling tool, he suggested that he was so committed that he was ready to vacation with me, skipping right over Levels 6 and 7 and going straight to Level 8!
Here we are, over a year later, still somewhat stuck at Level 5. Yes, we have done a couple of long-weekend trips, and I have met a few of his friends. I wonder if the plateau we reached has anything to do with sex. Perhaps if we were back in Victorian days when sex didn’t come until AFTER marriage, there would have been further progression up that commitment ladder. Could it be that once The Big Level 5 (Sex!!!) was achieved, there was no longer any incentive for my boyfriend to advance further?
