Seven Compliments That Won’t Get You Laid

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4. “I love your pedicure! Is your polish Cherries in the Snow?”
Sometime around 2003, Maxim must have run a story about how to deliver a more targeted compliment, because that summer was all about the details when it came to the initial approach. I heard a lot of, “That lipstick looks great with your skin” and “Your highlights are really fantastic.” Newsflash—women don’t have sweaty, naughty fantasies about getting naked with metrosexuals. (And why would they? Metro men don’t even like to sweat.) Maybe after a brief getting-to-know-you period, we’ll think the fact that you carry a murse is kind of cute (probably not) or we’ll learn to deal with your strictly regimented brow waxing schedule. But early on—especially as the initial pick-up line—these very specific compliments just come across as socially awkward, or downright gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
 
In these situations, I think it’s best to channel an uber-manly man, like say, Clive Owen or maybe Harrison Ford—be general, but be genuine. “You have a really pretty smile” goes a lot further than, “Did you do BriteSmile? Your teeth are so white!”
 
5. “You can’t possibly weigh that much!”
Sometimes when we’re doing the courtesy reach into our wallet to pay for the drink that you should be offering to buy, you spy our driver’s license and ask to see it. For some reason (perhaps because driver’s licenses make for easy conversation?), the asking often turns into persistent but playful begging. Sometimes we give in and let you peek; other times you make a lunge for it and physically grab the license out of our wallet. In either case, never, under any circumstances, should you comment on the weight listed on the license. Because when you say, “Oh my GOD! There’s no WAY you weigh that much!” you’re absolutely right. WE WEIGH MORE! Everybody knows that women lie about the weight on their driver’s licenses, so you becoming incredulous over the fake fifteen- to twenty-pounds-lighter version of us is devastating. And god forbid, you let the, “Holy shit, you weigh more than ME!” slip. Women like to feel smaller than men, even if we’re not. It makes us feel more feminine. Playing along will get you a lot more action. 
 
6. “You look a lot like my ex wife.”
The ex-wife or ex-girlfriend card is never what you want to lead with. When you say things like this, women assume three things: 1) You’re not over your ex. 2) There’s probably a restraining order against you. 3) You’re needy and will probably cry after we have sex for the first time and say something very Days of Our Lives-ish like, “I could make love to you every day for the rest of my life.” (Vomit.)
 
With over half of marriages ending in divorce, the days of judging people for a marriage that didn’t work are (hopefully) over. But that doesn’t mean you should trot out your divorce, ex-wife, kids, and alimony issues in the first conversation. Leave a little for her to learn later. The only thing worse you could say to a woman is …
 
7. “You remind me of my mom.”
Go ahead and cut your penis off, why don’t you? Because not only will you never, ever have sex with this woman, you’ll never touch her nor will you ever kiss her; in fact, it’ll be a miracle if she sticks around long enough to hear the first word of the next sentence. When you tell a woman she reminds you of your mom, this is what we hear: “You can plan on doing my laundry, cooking my meals, and basically taking care of all the shit I don’t want to do for the rest of my life. And we will have awkward, unsatisfying sex because I’ll always be wondering if this is what it was like for Dad.” Very. Very. Bad.It seems that men spend an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with the most genuine way to flatter women. But the best solution is so obvious: just walk up to her and say hello. You’d be surprised how rarely that happens, but how successful it actually is.