Five Tips for Creating Intimacy

Men and women crave intimacy, even if we do it in different ways. However, the intimacy that often arises in long-term relationships is not usually the type of intimacy that fosters growth in relationships. Instead, as with everything else, it arises by default.

This type of default intimacy is not erotic and eventually wears at the foundation of the relationship. It’s a type of intimacy in which partners take each other for granted. With this type of intimacy, there is so much togetherness that the space between the two partners disappears. Emotional fusion occurs as the lines between you and me blur into we. This type of intimacy creates routines that lead to stagnation. The woman in the relationship may stop caring so much about her appearance and the man may forget that farting and burping in a woman’s presence isn’t polite. They may fall into a routine of watching television while eating dinner, then sitting on opposite ends of the couch watching more television until it’s time for bed. Sex becomes an afterthought, with a mindset of “Pass the salt, and can I have an orgasm with that?”

In conscious relationships, intimacy is fostered and developed with forethought and intention. It is created not only in the bedroom but in daily living as well. This type of intimacy allows a couple to grow together while leaving the space between their individuality, so eroticism can grow as well. This type of intimacy honors each partner—it is the manifest expression of open hearted love. It serves as a daily reminder of your love for each other.

Here are five tips for creating conscious intimacy:

Make time each week to talk about what’s happening in your relationship. Put the appointment on your calendar and keep it each week. Use the time to resolve conflict, to go into deeper hear-centered consciousness, or to read together from books by relationship experts, then discuss what you’ve read. I recommend authors like David Deida, Esther Perel, David Shnarch and Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. Reserve at least an hour each week for this connection time.

Give and receive a daily dose of hugs. Studies have shown that long hugs (ten to thirty seconds) increase the body’s production of oxytocin, which is the chemical that increases our sense of connectedness. It also increases serotonin, the feel good chemical. Ten seconds might not sound long, but most of the hugs people give are one to three seconds long. Ten seconds is delicious, and thirty seconds is totally decadent.

Breathe together. Yes, I know, you are already breathing together if you live in the same home. But I’m talking about Tantric breath work. Sit facing each other, and place your right hands on each other’s hearts. Next, begin to regulate your breathing so you are inhaling and exhaling in unison. Breathe a little slower and deeper than normal, but not so exaggerated that you get dizzy. Gaze into each other’s left eye as you breathe. You can smile, too, this isn’t meant to be hard work. Continue for at least five minutes.

Give each other space. I know this sounds counterintuitive to creating intimacy, but it’s an important component. People need time alone. We can process our thoughts and feelings better when we have regular, consistent alone time. Let him retreat to his man cave, and let her sit with her journal and a cup of tea. Another excellent way to give each other space is to schedule time out with your own friends at least once a month. If you don’t have kids, try for once a week.