We all want to be loved. If the truth be told, we long for love and will go to great lengths to have it in our lives. We also hold some pretty grandiose ideas of how it should show up and what it should feel like. Notice the word “should” here. It tells us a great deal about how we really feel about love.
Case in point. Just last week while sitting in a local coffee shop, I overheard a thirty-something woman reveal to her friend that she was finally ready for love. “I know exactly what I want now,” she said. “I know the kind of person I want to be in relationship with and what qualities he should have. I just need to know how to find him!”
It seems this eager-for-love woman had her partner “wish list” all ready to be checked off. She had created pictures in her mind of what he would look like, be interested in, even possible occupations. I bet she even had another sub-list of how he would demonstrate his love for her. Good luck, I wished her silently, knowing that as far as pictures of love are concerned, it does no good to harbor them. In fact, they ultimately prevent us from experiencing the unconditional love we seek.
Unconditional love, the glorious, forever after kind of love of dreams and fairy tales, can only become real when we set it free from expectations, from all those limiting “shoulds.” Unconditional love is love without conditions—love without rules and lists, even thinly veiled hopes. Simply put, if love is tied to any of these, it will surely disappoint. Our expectations of love limit it. The conditions we place upon it stop its flow.
Pitch the List
If you really want to experience great love, “Big Love,” as some like to call it, get rid of any notions you might hold about how love should be. Allow love to show up on its own terms, in its own way. Remain open and flexible. Holding someone to a roster of expectations will dampen their ardor faster than a bucket of cold water.
