To take his name or not to take his name? That’s the question for professional women getting ready to tie the knot.
Today 25 percent of women are choosing to use a surname other than their husband’s after marriage, according to a name survey by family naming expert Kelly Utt-Grubb. And there are many alternatives—from keeping their own last names (legally or just professionally), to hyphenating both partners’ surnames, to creating entirely new family names. But with the freedom of choice comes the stress over what to choose.
Lucy Stone, born in 1818, is the first woman recorded to have ever kept her maiden name after marriage. Utt-Grubb is a devoted “Lucy Stoner.” As a soon-to-be bride at age twenty-one (in 1998), Utt-Grubb was apprehensive about giving up her maiden name. “It just didn’t feel right,” she says. For other women, the feeling isn’t uncommon. After giving birth to her first child, she decided to hyphenate her maiden and married names and pass that name on to her son. Surprisingly enough, after the birth of their second child, Utt-Grubb’s husband wanted their family to have a unified name and decided to do the same!
Because a woman’s last name represents who she is—in both her career and life—what last name to take into a marriage requires careful consideration, Utt-Grubb says. “There are three primary areas of potential impact when considering a name change: identity, career and children.” Some women take their husbands’ names to keep things simple and have the same last name as their children and husband, while other women might worry about what giving up their names says to their daughters about patriarchal traditions in the family. “Ultimately, a family’s last name decision will mold the way their children perceive the world and will help reflect the values of their family,” Utt-Grubb says.
Career and identity are major factors for other women. Because Tammy Huber-Wilkins, a psychiatrist in Cincinnati, had already built a reputation as Dr. Huber, she didn’t want to lose her maiden name. And it was not her first name change. At age two, Dr. Huber-Wilkins’s parents got divorced. Two years later, her mother remarried and her stepfather adopted her, giving her his last name—huber. Because of his love and devotion toward her, she didn’t want to give up his last name, which was now so engrained in how she identified herself. “My identity is really a vital part of who I am. My father is the only son and only has daughters, which meant I would let go of his name. [That] did not feel good to me. But I also wanted to honor my husband’s name in the same way.” So she hyphenated the names.
From hyphenation to a creative mixture of both names, choosing a last name has become a great pool of possibilities. When Utt-Grubb asked clients which option is best, 77 percent of couples said hyphenation. Although hyphenating is most popular, it’s certainly not the only option. Some women take their husband’s last name legally but use their maiden names for business. And some couples create an entirely new name for the family combining their two last names. For example, John Smith and Judy Longshore might become Judy and John Longsmith.
A Milliken university study indicates that nontraditional naming is viewed as a positive phenomenon. Women with a hyphenated name are perceived as more friendly, good-natured, industrious, and intellectually curious, while the man with a hyphenated last name is seen as accommodating, good-natured, and nurturing and committed to his marriage.
By Valencia Wicker
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