I realize how lucky I am to be married to a great guy who I love. That being said, I am always worried about losing myself in his world, losing my independence, and becoming a watered down version of myself. First, we change our names, then we change our city, then we change our eating habits—you get the picture, right? So, how do I address my concerns? I constantly try keep myself in check and, so far, I believe it’s worked. Just being aware is half the battle. Here is my marry-but-don’t-morph checklist for a successful marriage:
The Engagement
Do not feel like you must change your name. Why do we have to fold ourselves into our man? It really feels awkward if you’ve spent years creating a professional reputation. Do it only if it feels right.
The Wedding
Do not write thank you notes and sign them with your husband’s and your name. If he wants to write a note, he should do it too. You aren’t a unit, you are a person and your notes should be signed as such. Do it for wedding gifts and you’re in danger of setting a pattern. I just got a thank you written by a friend of mine for a dinner we gave. She signed it “Love, Barbara and Andrew.” The couple (both equally busy professionals) has been together twenty years. I shudder to think how many times she has carried the ball for Andrew in the thank you note department.
The Baby
Do not let your husband name the baby a name you don’t like—even if it is his name. I can’t tell you how many times I see this. I have a relative who named her son Frank. I asked why she was choosing this particular name. She said because her husband wanted to name the baby after his only brother. Through the years, I have noticed that her husband doesn’t much like his brother and never really has. Meantime, she has confessed to me numerous times that she really doesn’t like her son’s name. Hold your ground. Be a part of naming your child and do NOT go with a name you don’t like.
The Bills
Get involved in money decisions and know what you are spending money on. It is so strange how many women just fork this over to the husband and relinquish any responsibility. This can also be dangerous if the marriage doesn’t work out.
The Social
Look, I love to go to parties with my husband, as he is indisputably a lot of fun. But he likes to close parties down and is often the last to leave. He comes from a long distinguished line of partiers! Not so much for me. I chat and cocktail and then my internal alarm goes off. It says something like this, “You have chatted to everyone here twice, you are at your alcohol limit, leave before you turn into a toad.” So what do I do? I leave. He stays. I see eyebrows rise when we do it, but the fact is we’re both totally okay with it. And, what’s more, sometimes I won’t go at all. There are some social engagements I either can’t make it to or don’t want to and vice versa. He wants to go to the latest explosion-filled-killing-torture-car-chase flick? Bye, bye (he really is a great guy but I’ll guess you’ll just have to take my word for it here). Having your own social circle (be it a women’s group or a guys night out) is healthy. Don’t morph socially into your mate.
The Monster
My mother-in-law has said this to me many times over the years, “Do not create a monster.” What she means is don’t do everything for your mate. Don’t take on certain jobs in caring for him that he will get used to and take advantage of. He will become spoiled and let’s face it, spoiled is unattractive in men and women. Now, if one person is working full time and the other has more free time, I’m not saying don’t help each other out. And sometimes there are roles that we each do for each other and it works. You scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours so to speak. But more often than not, you see one person doing all the mundane chores and the other benefitting.
