A couple of weeks ago, I attended my sixty-five-year-old mother’s wedding. My parents have been divorced for nearly ten years and the occasion was a joyous one. It tickled me to see how particular my mother was in planning and executing her big day.
Having not been around for her first wedding, I had no idea how my mother would be as a bride. When my sister got married, my mother (wisely) stayed out of it, but when it came time for her to walk down the aisle, she had very definite ideas about what she wanted for her second wedding. I think she pulled it off fabulously.
It used to be that second (or third or fourth) weddings unnecessarily carried a whiff of shame. The events themselves were expected to be small, quiet, and unobtrusive. Not exactly an uplifting message for the bride and groom embarking on their new life together.
Luckily, attitudes toward remarriage and second weddings have loosened up. According to the Web site IDoTakeTwo.com, more than 30 percent of weddings today are “encore weddings.” The rules of wedding etiquette are constantly evolving. No longer is the ghost of Emily Post standing over a bride’s shoulder, no matter how many times she’s been to the altar. Still, planning—or attending—an encore wedding can be confusing. There are a few guidelines to keep the affair festive and fitting.
Ring a Ding Ding
The truth is, unless a widow or widower, you should have stopped wearing old engagement or wedding rings when you embarked on a new relationship. If you haven’t, an engagement is the time to retire any old reminders of your former spouse. If a former wedding or engagement ring has sentimental value, save it for your children or a niece or nephew, or perhaps have the stone reset. And don’t use your ex’s ring to propose.
Hear Ye, Hear Ye
You should let your family, and especially any children, know about your engagement first. If you have joint custody, you should tell your ex directly. If your children are young, your ex may be able to help them understand the new roles in the family. If you don’t have children, you’re not required to tell your ex, but it’s considerate. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it in person or over the phone, sending a cordial, brief note is acceptable. You can post a formal engagement or post-wedding announcement in the local newspaper—in fact, this may help avoid awkward social situations—but keep it short and sweet.
Who’s Paying?
It’s not kosher to expect parents to pay for a second wedding (and definitely not for a third or fourth), although some will offer, and you can graciously choose to accept or decline. Most encore couples pay for their own weddings. That’s one reason to keep it small and simple.
Engagement Arrangement
Again, even if you’re younger, you should not expect your parents to host another engagement party. They’ve done their duty. However, if friends or family want to throw a party to celebrate or announce your engagement, let them if you wish. This is usually not a gift-giving affair, especially if you host it yourself.
