Never before in known history has it been so easy to see all the choices available to us in love relationships. With the advent of the Internet and mobile phones, a new date is minutes away on any given day. We have also spent the last few decades trumpeting personal choice and individual rights here in the Western world. So we know we have the right to what we want, we know there is abundant choice available and that there is a simple, reasonably affordable path to something more. So what has this ocean of possibility meant to us in the mating world?
More and more people are coming to the realization that they can get out of and into a relationship fairly fast. The challenge lies in the old commitment model giving people a framework to get to the heart of trusting each other. Not that they all used it as such, but it was the core principal of marriage and commitment. Now we have such ease around getting into and out of relationships that true intimacy has been the casualty. Mind, the old model had real drawbacks in how we expressed it and the oppressive ‘shoulds’ that went with it. But it did have a framework for intimacy.
I see people hungry for it. Starving even. But the key isn’t always to race to the new relationship. No, I am not advocating staying in a bad relationship. I am pointing out the often-missed opportunity and personal responsibility for dealing with your own stuff in the relationship before you scorch off to new and greener pastures.
Often we get mirrored by our partners, who show us our shadow side. I was talking with someone who saw her partner’s weakness and neediness, while she was hell-bent on complete self-sufficiency and judged him to be ‘less than’ because of his needs. Now whether he was or wasn’t her equal is less the focus than the spotlight on where in this woman’s life had she cut off her own needs because she judged them unacceptable. It turns out his ‘neediness’ was more situational and brought out his less than attractive coping skills. By staying with the relationship a little longer she worked through her own fear of bringing her needs to the surface. He was still too strong a mirror and she wanted out, but not before she took a few giant leaps forward in her own understanding of breaking down some of the old coping skills that left her limited and unhappy.
But we are not our coping skills! They are the safety net of behaviors we have added over the years to protect the tender spots in each of us. So when we get to the place where we have put in enough time with each other to have our least attractive coping skills make an appearance, often times people panic thinking they have made a serious mistake.
True growth, intimacy and the rewards it brings wait on the other side of learning how to separate a problem from a person. You know the old adage, love the person, hate the behavior. It requires time to see if a situation is something you can both grow through or whether you are not a match. This commodity, time, has gotten lost in the wash of choices you can tap into for something new.
You accomplish much when you remember we all have fear and doubt, so we all have our own little (or big) monsters in the closet. When you practice seeing what is coping and what is true personality, you can’t help but use that perspective on yourself as well. It is a kinder, wiser view of ourselves and others. We are more than the sum total of our actions, but actions are where we define our lives. So let your next action be to learn more about yourself and the other person before you decide on breaking up. Give yourself a little more room and a little less judgment and your partner will benefit as well. You always have the option to move on and the abundance that goes with it. So perhaps more information on who you are in this relationship will help you make the best choice, whether it is this relationship or the next.
