I know most of us were in love when we got married. Just thinking about that person made your tummy do flip-flops and sometimes you even lost your appetite. The wedding day came and you didn’t think you could ever be any happier. If you died right then and there, it would be OK because you are so happy.
Then, as years went by, you had children (which really are a blessing). Those children took your time and energy in different directions. You may have been so enthralled with your children, that you forgot you were also the chosen friend/lover for life. Sometimes, at this point, you are each in your own world, working to provide for your family and also to be a good parent.
Then comes familiarity. I do not think familiarity breed’s contempt as the saying goes. I do think, however it is really easy to take someone for granted and forget how you felt on that wedding day.
Even Bill Cosby said, “That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.”
There are many jokes about long-term marriages: My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce never.—Jack Benny
I don’t have a degree in marriage counseling, nor do I claim to know everything, but I can say that being a partner in a long-term marriage is the most wonderful, rewarding, and yes, exciting thing in my life.
Here are my five homemade rules that I humbly present to you:
1. Remember the children will leave someday, so remain best friends with your spouse during the child rearing years. My husband and I would always get a sitter and go out just by ourselves at least once a month.
2. Forgive, forgive, and forgive. It is so hard, I know. Remember, when you forgive, your partner is more likely to forgive you.
3. No name-calling—ever. It is normal and OK to disagree but actually name-calling is verbal abuse.
4. Be interested in what your partner is doing, even if you are not interested. Sometimes, hear his/her golf stories or what is going on at work. You would listen to a best friend wouldn’t you?
5. Grow together and allow for all kind of changes. We all grow older. Our role in the marriage will change, as the children leave. We change physically. We evolve to be who we are.
6. Give you partner space. Let him/her pursue whatever they are passionate about. Khali Gibram said it best:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”